I am so happy to have my dear dear
0:00:10.389,0:00:19.060
friend Melissa dr. Melissa seyden I
0:00:14.830,0:00:22.500
can’t say enough about how excited I am
0:00:19.060,0:00:25.269
to have you here this has been I’ve been
0:00:22.500,0:00:28.660
waiting for the right time to have you
0:00:25.269,0:00:34.570
and I’m so glad that it worked out I’m
0:00:28.660,0:00:37.090
gonna say I’m gonna give my synopsis of
0:00:34.570,0:00:40.470
who you are but it’s not even gonna come
0:00:37.090,0:00:42.700
close to doing justice but Melissa is
0:00:40.470,0:00:47.280
you let me know if I get anything wrong
0:00:42.700,0:00:52.180
here okay Melissa is an educator an
0:00:47.280,0:00:55.530
education administrator a she sits on
0:00:52.180,0:01:00.400
multiple boards for in leadership roles
0:00:55.530,0:01:03.880
around around trauma sensitive schools
0:01:00.400,0:01:06.610
she is really a key figure nationally
0:01:03.880,0:01:11.109
for guiding the movement toward
0:01:06.610,0:01:15.490
trauma-sensitive schools Melissa is an
0:01:11.109,0:01:20.079
education consultant and developmental
0:01:15.490,0:01:24.420
trauma expert who guides does
0:01:20.079,0:01:27.810
professional training for schools
0:01:24.420,0:01:31.350
professional development for schools
0:01:27.810,0:01:37.420
municipal organizations state
0:01:31.350,0:01:39.700
organizations and parents she is a
0:01:37.420,0:01:42.219
member of my own you know anybody who’s
0:01:39.700,0:01:45.639
been to any of my trainings or has spent
0:01:42.219,0:01:48.819
any time with me hears me talk about my
0:01:45.639,0:01:52.329
committee melissa is definitely a key
0:01:48.819,0:01:55.179
member of my committee and I I couldn’t
0:01:52.329,0:01:57.100
be happier to have you on this I
0:01:55.179,0:02:00.579
wouldn’t I can’t imagine doing it
0:01:57.100,0:02:03.310
without you did I miss any key thing
0:02:00.579,0:02:06.729
that you do Melissa besides being a
0:02:03.310,0:02:10.330
parent yeah I would say that the most
0:02:06.729,0:02:12.610
important thing that I do is have the
0:02:10.330,0:02:15.580
joy in the privilege and the ultimate
0:02:12.610,0:02:20.160
challenge of raising two sons one of
0:02:15.580,0:02:25.650
whom has extensive childhood
0:02:20.160,0:02:25.650
yes which is why you are on my committee
0:02:26.880,0:02:33.880
yes yes
0:02:29.770,0:02:38.110
I think that what I would love to just
0:02:33.880,0:02:40.660
start off with is having you maybe talk
0:02:38.110,0:02:45.370
a little bit about how you came into
0:02:40.660,0:02:50.110
this highly specialized highly nuanced
0:02:45.370,0:02:54.220
career of yours I have the good fortune
0:02:50.110,0:02:57.130
to be able to say that it it wolf into
0:02:54.220,0:02:58.750
the fabric of all that I am and do and I
0:02:57.130,0:03:01.269
don’t know how many people get to say
0:02:58.750,0:03:03.069
that they spend their days doing nothing
0:03:01.269,0:03:05.530
that they believe they were put on the
0:03:03.069,0:03:07.540
planet to do my husband and I found my
0:03:05.530,0:03:10.530
son Theo in a bulgarian orphanage when
0:03:07.540,0:03:13.900
he was three at that time I was a
0:03:10.530,0:03:17.200
special education teacher and then Wow
0:03:13.900,0:03:20.680
Theo was first in our home I moved into
0:03:17.200,0:03:23.350
administration my experience and my
0:03:20.680,0:03:25.900
second master’s was on behaviorally
0:03:23.350,0:03:27.459
challenged children I was an expert I
0:03:25.900,0:03:30.220
was already doing workshops for other
0:03:27.459,0:03:32.310
schools on managing children with
0:03:30.220,0:03:34.900
extremely challenging behavior problems
0:03:32.310,0:03:39.489
and then I brought on this beautiful
0:03:34.900,0:03:42.100
beautiful little boy and nothing I did
0:03:39.489,0:03:44.019
worked kind of like being the best
0:03:42.100,0:03:46.049
medical doctor on the planet and having
0:03:44.019,0:03:50.380
a child with an illness you can’t solve
0:03:46.049,0:03:52.239
so soul-searching guilt shame I’m not
0:03:50.380,0:03:54.760
good enough getting a lot of great
0:03:52.239,0:03:57.750
advice from moms raising biological
0:03:54.760,0:04:00.190
children that went backwards in my house
0:03:57.750,0:04:02.290
I’m the kind of person that did not
0:04:00.190,0:04:07.870
blame the child I blamed myself
0:04:02.290,0:04:12.250
lonely finding TIFF and the rest of my
0:04:07.870,0:04:15.010
my trauma mama tried has saved my life
0:04:12.250,0:04:18.729
and I honestly say that it’s a it was
0:04:15.010,0:04:20.590
like maybe more than anyone else but so
0:04:18.729,0:04:23.140
meanwhile also my professional career
0:04:20.590,0:04:25.539
right so I’m trying to educate Theo and
0:04:23.140,0:04:27.640
his teachers and learning about
0:04:25.539,0:04:31.479
developmental trauma literally you and I
0:04:27.640,0:04:32.440
both as the research was unfolding in
0:04:31.479,0:04:34.570
the
0:04:32.440,0:04:37.420
twenty years every time one more thing
0:04:34.570,0:04:39.610
was was printed we read it and it added
0:04:37.420,0:04:42.400
to what we knew and then shifted what we
0:04:39.610,0:04:45.790
were doing with and for our children so
0:04:42.400,0:04:47.890
I had a great opportunity to work with a
0:04:45.790,0:04:50.890
number of really talented educators both
0:04:47.890,0:04:53.170
in my profession and on behalf of theö
0:04:50.890,0:04:55.140
and watching them work with him and
0:04:53.170,0:04:57.460
report back to me and then in my school
0:04:55.140,0:05:00.340
applying a lot of what we were using for
0:04:57.460,0:05:03.430
Theo on other children whether they were
0:05:00.340,0:05:05.680
adopted or not and then realizing in the
0:05:03.430,0:05:07.570
in the ensuing few years that what
0:05:05.680,0:05:09.430
connected them was that they were all
0:05:07.570,0:05:11.410
children of trauma whether they were
0:05:09.430,0:05:13.780
living with their biological family or
0:05:11.410,0:05:16.660
not and that really kind of started to
0:05:13.780,0:05:19.240
create a curriculum in my head because I
0:05:16.660,0:05:20.950
had the chance in my public school to
0:05:19.240,0:05:22.690
try it out kids from different
0:05:20.950,0:05:24.340
socioeconomic backgrounds and ethnic
0:05:22.690,0:05:27.310
backgrounds different types of trauma
0:05:24.340,0:05:29.860
and it worked every time so then because
0:05:27.310,0:05:31.750
I am a teacher I had to tell the world
0:05:29.860,0:05:34.900
and Theo did tell me that I needed to go
0:05:31.750,0:05:37.750
tell the world so my first book really I
0:05:34.900,0:05:39.610
didn’t like people say you know where do
0:05:37.750,0:05:42.400
you see yourself in five years my answer
0:05:39.610,0:05:46.240
never was writing books like it never
0:05:42.400,0:05:48.820
was not on the plan at all great my son
0:05:46.240,0:05:51.130
gave me a list of 20 things and said
0:05:48.820,0:05:53.980
teachers all need to know this and it
0:05:51.130,0:05:55.840
was dead-on correct I had to turn into a
0:05:53.980,0:05:58.960
book and that’s really kind of launched
0:05:55.840,0:06:02.170
my formal work my doctorate the ability
0:05:58.960,0:06:04.120
to conduct my own research to be a part
0:06:02.170,0:06:07.360
of the building of the sandbox for
0:06:04.120,0:06:10.240
schools is really what brings me to you
0:06:07.360,0:06:13.120
know what I’m doing here today combining
0:06:10.240,0:06:16.320
my love for my son who’s joined me we’ll
0:06:13.120,0:06:20.260
talk to folks sometimes trains with me
0:06:16.320,0:06:22.870
still challenges me yeah and then my
0:06:20.260,0:06:24.520
lifelong learning as an educator and my
0:06:22.870,0:06:27.010
additional education and then the
0:06:24.520,0:06:29.800
opportunity to study it deeply in a dr.
0:06:27.010,0:06:32.170
away so here I am
0:06:29.800,0:06:35.620
trying to help people and children and
0:06:32.170,0:06:38.860
thank goodness and I one of the things I
0:06:35.620,0:06:42.520
think your kids and I think Theo and my
0:06:38.860,0:06:45.039
kids both have in common is that desire
0:06:42.520,0:06:47.470
for us to continue to advocate for them
0:06:45.039,0:06:51.550
and I I think that is something that’s
0:06:47.470,0:06:54.039
very different about our situation I
0:06:51.550,0:06:56.830
mean our kids both are really passionate
0:06:54.039,0:07:02.080
about us continuing to advocate and I
0:06:56.830,0:07:02.710
think that’s a really key part of of my
0:07:02.080,0:07:04.870
own
0:07:02.710,0:07:07.060
I know feeling comfortable being out
0:07:04.870,0:07:09.490
there and doing this work is that my
0:07:07.060,0:07:11.319
kids are very comfortable with that they
0:07:09.490,0:07:15.389
actually feel like that’s a piece of
0:07:11.319,0:07:19.360
their own healing and recovery
0:07:15.389,0:07:21.550
yeah Theo he’s heard me tell his story
0:07:19.360,0:07:24.220
and sometimes some very dark and
0:07:21.550,0:07:27.099
difficult times his behavior in school
0:07:24.220,0:07:28.840
to a roomful of 70 people and he did he
0:07:27.099,0:07:31.990
doesn’t feel like he you know that’s
0:07:28.840,0:07:34.930
Pete what he would say is tell them so
0:07:31.990,0:07:36.039
they can learn I you know I used to
0:07:34.930,0:07:37.990
around the best I could
0:07:36.039,0:07:40.449
so the fact that I threw a garbage can
0:07:37.990,0:07:43.150
down the hallway you know it was the
0:07:40.449,0:07:46.240
best I had at that time so he yeah he’s
0:07:43.150,0:07:49.449
been a great advocate for me to tell his
0:07:46.240,0:07:53.620
story and help same-same with my kids we
0:07:49.449,0:07:55.599
recently recorded one of these with we
0:07:53.620,0:07:57.550
now have somebody who does the neuro
0:07:55.599,0:08:00.759
sequential trauma assessment and Jonah
0:07:57.550,0:08:04.330
was willing to share his nmt assessment
0:08:00.759,0:08:07.810
and let her you know talk about his
0:08:04.330,0:08:10.120
assessment and share that when you know
0:08:07.810,0:08:14.020
at 16 years old because he gets the
0:08:10.120,0:08:16.990
importance of the tool and you know it’s
0:08:14.020,0:08:19.210
okay you share where my deficits are
0:08:16.990,0:08:21.819
because I want people to know you know
0:08:19.210,0:08:23.319
how to help kids you know and I think
0:08:21.819,0:08:25.300
that’s really great I think it’s been
0:08:23.319,0:08:29.650
empowering for my kids and one of the
0:08:25.300,0:08:32.050
things I’ve found in coaching kids with
0:08:29.650,0:08:34.719
regulation and resilience is that when
0:08:32.050,0:08:37.089
they really understand the differences
0:08:34.719,0:08:37.570
in their neurology and learn to work
0:08:37.089,0:08:41.140
like that
0:08:37.570,0:08:42.880
they become their biggest advocate you
0:08:41.140,0:08:44.589
know the things that I tell people all
0:08:42.880,0:08:48.100
the time is when you talk to kids
0:08:44.589,0:08:49.510
because now in the world of schools it
0:08:48.100,0:08:53.170
is different because you’re talking to
0:08:49.510,0:08:54.699
someone else’s child right exactly you
0:08:53.170,0:08:56.240
do want to be appropriate you don’t want
0:08:54.699,0:08:58.100
to overstep on any particular
0:08:56.240,0:09:01.310
families core belief system might be
0:08:58.100,0:09:04.370
what I have found is that when you talk
0:09:01.310,0:09:07.820
to students about their brains you
0:09:04.370,0:09:09.620
remove the shame absolutely and it works
0:09:07.820,0:09:11.810
for kids who have trauma history and
0:09:09.620,0:09:14.029
kids who don’t because I’m raising a
0:09:11.810,0:09:17.000
child in my home was biological to me
0:09:14.029,0:09:20.270
and everything that Theo taught me has
0:09:17.000,0:09:23.029
worked brilliantly on him he’s a very
0:09:20.270,0:09:26.240
actualized 16 year old young man who
0:09:23.029,0:09:30.200
knows who he is because I realized that
0:09:26.240,0:09:32.660
you know punishment is a false prophecy
0:09:30.200,0:09:35.180
and I learned it in my home I I got a
0:09:32.660,0:09:38.180
chance to practice it across hundreds of
0:09:35.180,0:09:40.070
children so that gives me the evidence
0:09:38.180,0:09:41.600
that my curriculum needs but I tell
0:09:40.070,0:09:42.410
teachers are like how do we talk about
0:09:41.600,0:09:45.290
this with kids
0:09:42.410,0:09:47.930
I said you talked about in middle school
0:09:45.290,0:09:49.700
sex education you talk about parts of
0:09:47.930,0:09:51.380
the body we little kids how to brush
0:09:49.700,0:09:53.570
your teeth because these things are
0:09:51.380,0:09:55.190
essential and important so talk to them
0:09:53.570,0:09:56.779
about the limbic system the part of the
0:09:55.190,0:09:59.360
brain that can be impacted by trauma
0:09:56.779,0:10:01.310
give them strategies because then when
0:09:59.360,0:10:04.149
you want them to regulate they
0:10:01.310,0:10:08.510
understand why you’re asking them to do
0:10:04.149,0:10:10.880
exactly exactly and oh you’re you know
0:10:08.510,0:10:13.130
music to my ears one of the things I
0:10:10.880,0:10:15.950
also wanted to I was really curious for
0:10:13.130,0:10:19.820
you as a parent who is also an educator
0:10:15.950,0:10:22.520
and going back to your point about being
0:10:19.820,0:10:25.040
an educator and a parent during the time
0:10:22.520,0:10:29.209
that this movement was really taking
0:10:25.040,0:10:31.339
hold and taking off it’s so interesting
0:10:29.209,0:10:35.089
to me because I remember the days of
0:10:31.339,0:10:38.839
being a parent learning all of this
0:10:35.089,0:10:42.470
important stuff and going in and feeling
0:10:38.839,0:10:47.089
like I was you know fighting a battle
0:10:42.470,0:10:50.089
just getting educators to be receptive I
0:10:47.089,0:10:55.459
wonder what it’s been like being an
0:10:50.089,0:10:57.560
educator in that journey me enough I’ve
0:10:55.459,0:11:01.820
been down this road before but not from
0:10:57.560,0:11:05.930
a personal perspective I dating myself
0:11:01.820,0:11:10.259
was actually a new teacher in the days
0:11:05.930,0:11:12.089
before anybody had a word for autism
0:11:10.259,0:11:13.649
again my classroom was full of children
0:11:12.089,0:11:16.079
with unique and interesting and
0:11:13.649,0:11:20.369
challenging behaviors some of which to
0:11:16.079,0:11:22.589
our knowledge had no origin and I met
0:11:20.369,0:11:24.869
this young man I always call Anthony in
0:11:22.589,0:11:27.149
my stories that is not his real name but
0:11:24.869,0:11:28.049
he’s a real student I was teaching high
0:11:27.149,0:11:30.299
school at the time
0:11:28.049,0:11:32.309
my self-contained class happened to be
0:11:30.299,0:11:32.899
all boys called him my guys we were
0:11:32.309,0:11:35.459
tight
0:11:32.899,0:11:38.160
principal who I love genius of a man
0:11:35.459,0:11:42.739
taught me so much comes to the door with
0:11:38.160,0:11:45.749
this young man was going like this and
0:11:42.739,0:11:48.329
mumbling to himself and my principal
0:11:45.749,0:11:52.439
again really great guy kids love him
0:11:48.329,0:11:55.439
he’s purple with rage he said to me this
0:11:52.439,0:11:57.869
is Anthony you have to take him because
0:11:55.439,0:11:59.729
I’m gonna kill him and I was like okay
0:11:57.869,0:12:01.139
Anthony come on in I’m looking at my
0:11:59.729,0:12:03.359
boys you know give him my students that
0:12:01.139,0:12:06.059
sit down and be quiet don’t say anything
0:12:03.359,0:12:07.199
Anthony they did and I went out in the
0:12:06.059,0:12:10.139
hall and I asked them for what’s going
0:12:07.199,0:12:12.569
on and he was like look this kids a new
0:12:10.139,0:12:14.160
student and he skips down the hall and
0:12:12.569,0:12:15.389
he screams and he sings and he won’t do
0:12:14.160,0:12:17.939
anything I tell him dude won’t look me
0:12:15.389,0:12:20.100
in the eye he’s disrespectful right
0:12:17.939,0:12:23.609
because he was taking behavior as he saw
0:12:20.100,0:12:25.559
it and filtering it into this child and
0:12:23.609,0:12:28.379
it wasn’t his fault or the child’s fault
0:12:25.559,0:12:31.169
the child had a condition that this man
0:12:28.379,0:12:33.779
had never been explained then as I was
0:12:31.169,0:12:38.399
working with Anthony I went to Jersey
0:12:33.779,0:12:40.259
pride baby I went to a workshop in Eden
0:12:38.399,0:12:41.669
Institute in Princeton New Jersey the
0:12:40.259,0:12:44.069
home of the first curriculum for
0:12:41.669,0:12:45.660
children with autism and it was a
0:12:44.069,0:12:46.859
workshop you know do you have a student
0:12:45.660,0:12:49.799
who and it lists 10 things I’m like
0:12:46.859,0:12:52.439
that’s Anthony so I went running this
0:12:49.799,0:12:53.579
workshop came home oh my goodness first
0:12:52.439,0:12:54.720
thing I said in my principal is you’re
0:12:53.579,0:12:57.779
not gonna yell at Anthony anymore he
0:12:54.720,0:12:59.970
can’t help it and that completely
0:12:57.779,0:13:02.429
changed the way everybody in our school
0:12:59.970,0:13:06.779
worked with Anthony no one lowered our
0:13:02.429,0:13:09.859
expectations for Anthony but instead of
0:13:06.779,0:13:12.479
punishing him because his paper looked
0:13:09.859,0:13:14.249
disrespectful we were able to accept it
0:13:12.479,0:13:16.049
and then of course what schools all over
0:13:14.249,0:13:17.609
the country did so there’s this thing
0:13:16.049,0:13:20.609
autism what do we do how do we help
0:13:17.609,0:13:22.619
these children I then have been told
0:13:20.609,0:13:24.060
because I have a dear friend who at that
0:13:22.619,0:13:25.980
point
0:13:24.060,0:13:30.120
was the founding member of Cossack which
0:13:25.980,0:13:32.520
became Autism Speaks and so she is very
0:13:30.120,0:13:34.350
happy to tell me and when I brought Theo
0:13:32.520,0:13:34.800
home and now she was a personal friend
0:13:34.350,0:13:36.990
of mine
0:13:34.800,0:13:39.420
she said my friend you are on the same
0:13:36.990,0:13:43.260
journey I was she has a daughter who is
0:13:39.420,0:13:44.730
has autism and same thing doctor tilting
0:13:43.260,0:13:47.790
his head going maybe you need to have
0:13:44.730,0:13:50.520
more discipline in your house and so
0:13:47.790,0:13:52.890
having to endure a mother knowing
0:13:50.520,0:13:56.700
there’s something else going on here
0:13:52.890,0:14:00.780
but being told by experts that it’s you
0:13:56.700,0:14:03.510
and the shame and the loneliness that
0:14:00.780,0:14:06.290
comes from that and how she then learned
0:14:03.510,0:14:09.090
and then there was a name for it and
0:14:06.290,0:14:10.760
very soon I believe that developmental
0:14:09.090,0:14:13.950
trauma is going to go in that same book
0:14:10.760,0:14:16.590
again the country’s already at a place
0:14:13.950,0:14:20.100
because the the term has been researched
0:14:16.590,0:14:23.250
enough as to be accepted as true and
0:14:20.100,0:14:25.230
that will change a lot for people but
0:14:23.250,0:14:27.840
those of us working in the sandbox
0:14:25.230,0:14:29.670
already we march forward and are able to
0:14:27.840,0:14:32.250
talk to people because of the plethora
0:14:29.670,0:14:33.840
of science very much like I learned from
0:14:32.250,0:14:35.340
those wonderful folks at Eden Institute
0:14:33.840,0:14:37.140
who had been doing this work for five
0:14:35.340,0:14:39.990
years and then finally were shouting it
0:14:37.140,0:14:43.770
from a mountaintop so it’s been a joy to
0:14:39.990,0:14:46.740
now have my own thing that I got to be a
0:14:43.770,0:14:49.980
part of bringing forward out into the
0:14:46.740,0:14:54.630
light so that no one else had to be told
0:14:49.980,0:14:55.980
like I was that you know maybe I didn’t
0:14:54.630,0:14:57.510
have enough discipline in my home I
0:14:55.980,0:14:59.280
remember when a doctor said that’s me
0:14:57.510,0:15:01.500
and Tiffany you know me well enough to
0:14:59.280,0:15:04.140
know that I might have I don’t want my
0:15:01.500,0:15:10.500
cool little because I did the whole I’m
0:15:04.140,0:15:12.630
huh behavior expert don’t tell me so you
0:15:10.500,0:15:14.280
out there who sometimes feel like it is
0:15:12.630,0:15:16.740
your fault because other people look at
0:15:14.280,0:15:19.230
you like you should just or the child
0:15:16.740,0:15:22.170
should just talk about the limbic system
0:15:19.230,0:15:25.740
it’s biology and it’s no one’s fault
0:15:22.170,0:15:28.440
yes and honestly I still have those
0:15:25.740,0:15:30.990
moments now I mean every once in a while
0:15:28.440,0:15:33.540
I still have those moments now not very
0:15:30.990,0:15:35.290
long ago I was in a room with a mental
0:15:33.540,0:15:39.670
health professional
0:15:35.290,0:15:42.610
and she started telling me that I needed
0:15:39.670,0:15:46.110
to parent differently than I’m parent
0:15:42.610,0:15:51.339
and I was like I actually said out loud
0:15:46.110,0:15:53.560
I’m not proud of this moment I actually
0:15:51.339,0:16:04.300
said out loud you don’t even want to
0:15:53.560,0:16:06.610
know what I do yeah yeah and again it’s
0:16:04.300,0:16:08.560
honestly and and in our country right
0:16:06.610,0:16:10.630
now not to open another whole can but
0:16:08.560,0:16:15.250
we’re still dealing with race problems
0:16:10.630,0:16:17.110
as a country we learn very slow I have a
0:16:15.250,0:16:19.930
lot of hope because we do learn and
0:16:17.110,0:16:23.410
sometimes a crisis occurs we learn from
0:16:19.930,0:16:26.620
it and we move on to the pandemic as
0:16:23.410,0:16:28.389
well I don’t like to spend a lot of time
0:16:26.620,0:16:30.399
looking at fault but I do like to spend
0:16:28.389,0:16:32.350
a lot of time on learning from what has
0:16:30.399,0:16:34.089
happened and doing better and that’s
0:16:32.350,0:16:36.940
what I tell parents because I sometimes
0:16:34.089,0:16:41.980
have to tell teachers you can’t yell at
0:16:36.940,0:16:45.579
kids and I then say you know I was the I
0:16:41.980,0:16:47.170
talk loud so I would you know every once
0:16:45.579,0:16:51.399
in a while get very upset with my
0:16:47.170,0:16:54.209
students and so at home uh I was captain
0:16:51.399,0:16:57.730
of the yellers and I learned how to
0:16:54.209,0:17:00.699
express I’m very angry right now without
0:16:57.730,0:17:03.160
actually yelling finding out that I
0:17:00.699,0:17:07.720
could still be angry or sad or happy and
0:17:03.160,0:17:10.799
not yell because when I realized what
0:17:07.720,0:17:14.470
happened behind Theo’s eyes was terror
0:17:10.799,0:17:16.540
when my voice went up that’s enough to
0:17:14.470,0:17:17.980
Train anybody to stop doing it but
0:17:16.540,0:17:20.559
there’s a teacher sitting there in my
0:17:17.980,0:17:24.089
workshop going oh no I’m horrible
0:17:20.559,0:17:28.809
teacher I’ve been yelling for years okay
0:17:24.089,0:17:30.400
notice it live learn I’m one of my
0:17:28.809,0:17:33.070
favorite sayings is you don’t know what
0:17:30.400,0:17:36.429
you don’t know until you know it right
0:17:33.070,0:17:39.400
right so you can’t beat yourself up for
0:17:36.429,0:17:41.770
what you didn’t know yesterday and I did
0:17:39.400,0:17:43.990
want to I did want to talk with you
0:17:41.770,0:17:45.429
today a little bit about all that’s
0:17:43.990,0:17:46.400
going on in the world right now
0:17:45.429,0:17:49.340
around
0:17:46.400,0:17:53.360
Reis and schools and all of this I think
0:17:49.340,0:17:57.340
it’s so hard right now to be a school
0:17:53.360,0:18:01.550
and to be working through all of those
0:17:57.340,0:18:04.430
all of those issues right now so so
0:18:01.550,0:18:07.760
addressing that and the trauma behind
0:18:04.430,0:18:09.860
that and I mean all of it I I wanted to
0:18:07.760,0:18:11.570
there were a couple of things that I
0:18:09.860,0:18:13.460
wanted to go into with you but I think
0:18:11.570,0:18:17.950
that the first thing I wanted to talk
0:18:13.460,0:18:22.400
about for sure is really getting into
0:18:17.950,0:18:24.770
what it means to in an educational
0:18:22.400,0:18:28.100
setting what it means to educate a child
0:18:24.770,0:18:30.260
with significant trauma related needs
0:18:28.100,0:18:36.110
because when we look at trauma-sensitive
0:18:30.260,0:18:38.600
schools and then we look at educating a
0:18:36.110,0:18:42.170
child with specifically significant
0:18:38.600,0:18:46.670
trauma related needs you know that’s a
0:18:42.170,0:18:48.770
kind of a nuanced thing right yeah I get
0:18:46.670,0:18:51.200
the child with significant trauma
0:18:48.770,0:18:54.020
interestingly enough and now one of the
0:18:51.200,0:18:55.640
reasons why I’m happy we couldn’t get
0:18:54.020,0:18:58.460
together today because suddenly I am
0:18:55.640,0:19:00.770
slammed with can you do a webinar can
0:18:58.460,0:19:01.910
you talk virtually to our staff about
0:19:00.770,0:19:04.190
cultural competence
0:19:01.910,0:19:07.070
what does implicit bias mean what does
0:19:04.190,0:19:08.450
white power or privilege mean and the
0:19:07.070,0:19:11.960
reason that they’re calling me is
0:19:08.450,0:19:14.840
because it’s the same journey it is
0:19:11.960,0:19:17.450
being able to recognize that children
0:19:14.840,0:19:19.160
are so much more than what you see on
0:19:17.450,0:19:21.350
the outside just like my principal
0:19:19.160,0:19:25.750
learned about that young man Anthony if
0:19:21.350,0:19:30.350
you take your invisible backpack and
0:19:25.750,0:19:32.090
Peggy McDonald’s she coined that term
0:19:30.350,0:19:33.740
anyway I want to give her credit her
0:19:32.090,0:19:35.840
last name starts with an M but it might
0:19:33.740,0:19:38.720
be McIntosh it’s an M AC something
0:19:35.840,0:19:40.130
anyway so invisible backpack meaning
0:19:38.720,0:19:42.740
everything that happened to you from
0:19:40.130,0:19:44.809
conception goes in that backpack and
0:19:42.740,0:19:47.990
frames what you see when you look out
0:19:44.809,0:19:51.050
your eyes and so my principle in that
0:19:47.990,0:19:53.720
scenario what had been working for 15
0:19:51.050,0:19:55.850
years with high school students and so
0:19:53.720,0:19:59.360
had seen a lot of behavior that looked
0:19:55.850,0:19:59.600
like what Anthony was doing that the for
0:19:59.360,0:20:03.140
who
0:19:59.600,0:20:05.720
motivation was disrespect or frustration
0:20:03.140,0:20:08.510
or anger which of course was not the
0:20:05.720,0:20:13.130
motivation for Anthony at all it was
0:20:08.510,0:20:15.830
simply his response to stimulus so I say
0:20:13.130,0:20:19.809
the same thing about the journey into
0:20:15.830,0:20:22.429
where do I stand on race and ethnicity
0:20:19.809,0:20:24.140
first of all I encourage you to learn
0:20:22.429,0:20:25.250
what those terms mean there’s tons of
0:20:24.140,0:20:25.970
stuff out there right now it’s all
0:20:25.250,0:20:28.450
popping up
0:20:25.970,0:20:30.770
what is racism because we have
0:20:28.450,0:20:33.140
institutional racism in American schools
0:20:30.770,0:20:35.179
and what you learn about that is it’s
0:20:33.140,0:20:36.409
implicit and what that means is nobody
0:20:35.179,0:20:39.590
wakes up in the morning and does it on
0:20:36.409,0:20:43.429
purpose right but a good example of this
0:20:39.590,0:20:45.470
is if you can remember the history that
0:20:43.429,0:20:47.510
you learned starting from elementary
0:20:45.470,0:20:49.220
school where you had a little
0:20:47.510,0:20:51.530
Thanksgiving maybe in the cafeteria in
0:20:49.220,0:20:54.460
your classroom because the Indians and
0:20:51.530,0:20:56.870
the pilgrims got along so well okay
0:20:54.460,0:20:59.059
that’s that’s not really what happened
0:20:56.870,0:21:01.220
no no no I think we should undo
0:20:59.059,0:21:03.440
Thanksgiving personally no I let’s all
0:21:01.220,0:21:06.140
give thanks for a day I I think is a
0:21:03.440,0:21:07.760
great idea but we need to tell the truth
0:21:06.140,0:21:10.070
to our children as is developmentally
0:21:07.760,0:21:13.159
appropriate we need to tell the children
0:21:10.070,0:21:15.200
that the Pilgrims were starving and that
0:21:13.159,0:21:18.110
the First Nations were showing them how
0:21:15.200,0:21:20.000
to eat the food that was around them so
0:21:18.110,0:21:21.559
it’s still a lesson that needs to be
0:21:20.000,0:21:24.650
learned but what a different message
0:21:21.559,0:21:26.720
that is absolutely and we need to look
0:21:24.650,0:21:28.970
at slavery and we need to look at the
0:21:26.720,0:21:31.490
fact that our colonizers in this country
0:21:28.970,0:21:34.159
committed genocide yes it’s tried to
0:21:31.490,0:21:36.500
wipe out the indigenous people right and
0:21:34.159,0:21:39.110
we can look at that particulars you get
0:21:36.500,0:21:43.730
on into high school I think kids can
0:21:39.110,0:21:46.549
look at that yes because we also when
0:21:43.730,0:21:49.190
Vietnam happened and and I was having a
0:21:46.549,0:21:51.260
college course post just post Vietnam
0:21:49.190,0:21:56.510
the course was really about the mistakes
0:21:51.260,0:21:58.490
that we made in that police action which
0:21:56.510,0:22:01.220
they still don’t categorize as a war so
0:21:58.490,0:22:03.169
we have been able to sometimes look at
0:22:01.220,0:22:05.270
the hard truth and tell it and I think
0:22:03.169,0:22:07.760
one of the things schools can do is look
0:22:05.270,0:22:11.419
back at that that I think will help
0:22:07.760,0:22:13.340
further an understanding now same thing
0:22:11.419,0:22:15.650
children with trauma
0:22:13.340,0:22:19.400
that’s why I’m a big fan of this is a
0:22:15.650,0:22:21.920
tier one intervention that means it’s
0:22:19.400,0:22:23.420
it’s like the oxygen when you walk into
0:22:21.920,0:22:25.460
a school everybody can breathe the air
0:22:23.420,0:22:29.330
nobody has to ask or get a pass or pass
0:22:25.460,0:22:30.590
test it’s there for all because my my
0:22:29.330,0:22:32.840
favorite thing to tell teachers
0:22:30.590,0:22:36.080
trauma-informed education is not one
0:22:32.840,0:22:38.030
more thing it’s the only thing just like
0:22:36.080,0:22:40.670
understanding and digging into your own
0:22:38.030,0:22:43.430
implicit bias and I feel like all new
0:22:40.670,0:22:45.440
teacher trainings need to start with we
0:22:43.430,0:22:46.730
are a trauma-informed school you need to
0:22:45.440,0:22:49.610
understand what trauma does to the brain
0:22:46.730,0:22:53.360
and then do this for all students
0:22:49.610,0:22:56.510
because trauma-informed education makes
0:22:53.360,0:22:58.580
for better students without trauma so
0:22:56.510,0:23:00.110
you don’t have to learn it’s not about
0:22:58.580,0:23:03.230
learning how to identify all the kids
0:23:00.110,0:23:06.470
with trauma absolutely seeing behaviors
0:23:03.230,0:23:09.350
from a place of this is all I have for
0:23:06.470,0:23:11.300
you not well that’s okay if you have
0:23:09.350,0:23:13.640
trauma but if you don’t suck it up
0:23:11.300,0:23:15.830
buttercup and get over it absolutely I
0:23:13.640,0:23:18.350
thing is it looks like you are
0:23:15.830,0:23:21.440
struggling how can I help works even if
0:23:18.350,0:23:23.270
the child has had for 15 years all that
0:23:21.440,0:23:26.300
they’ve needed oh absolutely
0:23:23.270,0:23:28.460
food all the shell turnover love their
0:23:26.300,0:23:31.450
struggling even a child without drama
0:23:28.460,0:23:35.210
who suddenly acts out or withdraws the
0:23:31.450,0:23:37.030
same coin different side we need to a
0:23:35.210,0:23:39.320
person say how can we help you and
0:23:37.030,0:23:40.520
that’s where regulation is such an
0:23:39.320,0:23:43.730
important part of trauma-informed
0:23:40.520,0:23:45.710
education we as human beings need to
0:23:43.730,0:23:47.600
look inside ourselves we need to find
0:23:45.710,0:23:51.230
out what our own exposure to adverse
0:23:47.600,0:23:54.590
experiences check out our own biases
0:23:51.230,0:23:56.540
because we all have them and you don’t
0:23:54.590,0:23:58.880
need to be ashamed you just read a bunch
0:23:56.540,0:24:01.100
of books one of the books that really
0:23:58.880,0:24:04.100
got to me interestingly enough I give a
0:24:01.100,0:24:09.050
shout out to Jody Pico fiction write
0:24:04.100,0:24:12.320
small great things it’s a story about a
0:24:09.050,0:24:14.360
woman who is a African American and
0:24:12.320,0:24:15.890
she’s working as a nurse and something
0:24:14.360,0:24:21.680
happens and she finds herself in court
0:24:15.890,0:24:25.550
and her lawyer is white and I got
0:24:21.680,0:24:27.080
pinched a couple of times because I felt
0:24:25.550,0:24:28.610
because the lawyer was
0:24:27.080,0:24:30.590
was really exploring her own implicit
0:24:28.610,0:24:33.769
bias at by way of serving this woman
0:24:30.590,0:24:36.919
properly and the woman really speaking
0:24:33.769,0:24:38.510
for at least speaking as a person of
0:24:36.919,0:24:42.769
color I don’t want to say she spoke for
0:24:38.510,0:24:45.500
all people of color but so start and
0:24:42.769,0:24:47.240
read that book especially if you are and
0:24:45.500,0:24:51.350
honestly I have had people of color tell
0:24:47.240,0:24:55.429
me it pinched them sometimes too so read
0:24:51.350,0:24:57.950
read savage inequalities read white
0:24:55.429,0:24:59.539
fragility if you are a white woman and
0:24:57.950,0:25:02.409
you’re educating the children of color
0:24:59.539,0:25:05.389
read white women teaching black boys
0:25:02.409,0:25:06.919
because the bottom ranking your
0:25:05.389,0:25:09.620
experience in the world if you’re a
0:25:06.919,0:25:12.110
white woman is not anything like your
0:25:09.620,0:25:16.159
twelve-year-old black boy student same
0:25:12.110,0:25:18.950
thing white gender is different boys and
0:25:16.159,0:25:21.830
most of us know boys are not the same as
0:25:18.950,0:25:23.750
girls right I was raised in a house with
0:25:21.830,0:25:26.419
three girls I have two sisters and my
0:25:23.750,0:25:30.320
mother single mom it was a dorm of women
0:25:26.419,0:25:32.600
yes my husband was like this just being
0:25:30.320,0:25:34.399
from another planet it took me the
0:25:32.600,0:25:38.539
longest time to understand how much of
0:25:34.399,0:25:43.309
it was just the white chromosome and
0:25:38.539,0:25:45.529
then having two boys and my husband you
0:25:43.309,0:25:47.360
know I’m all broken up and crying
0:25:45.529,0:25:48.950
because they need to get along and they
0:25:47.360,0:25:50.539
just beat the heck out of each other in
0:25:48.950,0:25:55.340
the backyard my husband’s gone they’re
0:25:50.539,0:25:58.309
boys I don’t like what so that’s how
0:25:55.340,0:26:01.220
elemental it is to all of us we can only
0:25:58.309,0:26:04.250
know what we know so if you don’t have a
0:26:01.220,0:26:07.490
history of poverty read a book Jeannette
0:26:04.250,0:26:08.299
Walls has a great book she tells her own
0:26:07.490,0:26:11.600
true story
0:26:08.299,0:26:14.299
sissy White’s great blog where sissy had
0:26:11.600,0:26:17.149
tremendous poverty lots of aces and now
0:26:14.299,0:26:20.090
cancer and battling it all bravely for
0:26:17.149,0:26:21.919
all to learn from listen to somebody who
0:26:20.090,0:26:23.090
grew up in poverty so that you can
0:26:21.919,0:26:25.880
understand those students better
0:26:23.090,0:26:29.809
whatever your color is read anything you
0:26:25.880,0:26:33.620
can about people of other colors and I
0:26:29.809,0:26:35.899
think what you’re saying is I think it
0:26:33.620,0:26:38.600
comes down to two things I love Laura
0:26:35.899,0:26:39.710
Porter says two things that I think are
0:26:38.600,0:26:42.600
so
0:26:39.710,0:26:44.340
just get me every single time in fact
0:26:42.600,0:26:47.910
I’ve made a slide that I use all the
0:26:44.340,0:26:51.630
time her quote all trauma-informed care
0:26:47.910,0:26:53.130
is really about noticing and I think
0:26:51.630,0:26:57.660
that it really comes down to that
0:26:53.130,0:27:02.300
listening and noticing right you don’t
0:26:57.660,0:27:04.920
know about something listen right and
0:27:02.300,0:27:07.950
recognize where you come from because
0:27:04.920,0:27:10.260
you need to recognize well I do this
0:27:07.950,0:27:11.820
activity when I train teachers it’s it’s
0:27:10.260,0:27:15.360
cute little thing and I show this video
0:27:11.820,0:27:17.370
of a child you know having a challenge
0:27:15.360,0:27:19.650
with this behavior it’s actually fairly
0:27:17.370,0:27:25.080
humorous and light but you know he’s
0:27:19.650,0:27:27.570
he’s pitching a fit and so and he’s a
0:27:25.080,0:27:29.790
white boy and then we talk and the
0:27:27.570,0:27:30.810
teachers talk in pairs what did you see
0:27:29.790,0:27:33.930
that John you hear people on
0:27:30.810,0:27:35.690
manipulating lying right many where
0:27:33.930,0:27:38.270
other people going I think he’s scared
0:27:35.690,0:27:41.880
right it depends on where you come from
0:27:38.270,0:27:45.510
then I showed a very similar video with
0:27:41.880,0:27:47.520
a child of color and then because you do
0:27:45.510,0:27:49.440
in the room you hear white people seeing
0:27:47.520,0:27:51.870
that be same behavior more aggressively
0:27:49.440,0:27:55.500
there’s so much research on that and
0:27:51.870,0:27:58.290
it’s really just a function of vision
0:27:55.500,0:28:01.470
right under your eyeballs seeing things
0:27:58.290,0:28:03.270
yes and and it can build implicit bias
0:28:01.470,0:28:06.000
if you’re not careful and you don’t know
0:28:03.270,0:28:07.890
it so again if you didn’t grow up with
0:28:06.000,0:28:09.750
trauma and even if you did you need to
0:28:07.890,0:28:12.690
recognize how it’s impacted your
0:28:09.750,0:28:16.140
neurobiology and if you didn’t learn
0:28:12.690,0:28:18.600
that because when you learn about the
0:28:16.140,0:28:20.760
children in front of you your natural
0:28:18.600,0:28:22.860
abilities and creativity as a teacher
0:28:20.760,0:28:25.910
will take over and you will be
0:28:22.860,0:28:30.450
trauma-informed and and I think that
0:28:25.910,0:28:34.050
that a perfect example of that when my
0:28:30.450,0:28:39.240
daughter my daughter had a lot of
0:28:34.050,0:28:43.110
behavior that was we early on we used
0:28:39.240,0:28:46.200
the word manipulative a lot manipulative
0:28:43.110,0:28:49.890
was a label that we put on her behavior
0:28:46.200,0:28:51.900
often and it was it really took the
0:28:49.890,0:28:55.170
neuro sequential trauma assessment and
0:28:51.900,0:28:58.320
a lot of training for us to finally I
0:28:55.170,0:29:02.310
will never forget the sort of moment
0:28:58.320,0:29:07.290
that of clarity for me around the idea
0:29:02.310,0:29:10.980
that okay this word manipulative it’s
0:29:07.290,0:29:14.000
harming me and it’s harming her every
0:29:10.980,0:29:18.180
time I use it every time I think it
0:29:14.000,0:29:20.340
every time I it it really is damaging
0:29:18.180,0:29:23.340
both of us so we changed our language
0:29:20.340,0:29:26.430
and we change it now I have words for it
0:29:23.340,0:29:28.170
and I can say to my daughter now and it
0:29:26.430,0:29:32.940
what it did was trigger her threat
0:29:28.170,0:29:35.100
response every time I said it now I can
0:29:32.940,0:29:38.610
say to my daughter and she can actually
0:29:35.100,0:29:40.920
receive it your survival brain is
0:29:38.610,0:29:42.990
causing you to need to control the
0:29:40.920,0:29:45.440
outcome and that’s exactly what’s
0:29:42.990,0:29:48.750
happening and that is exactly what
0:29:45.440,0:29:50.880
manipulation is yes and I tell teachers
0:29:48.750,0:29:52.680
you know what I don’t want again I don’t
0:29:50.880,0:29:55.500
need to fill you with shame for using
0:29:52.680,0:29:56.880
that word and most teachers will use it
0:29:55.500,0:29:58.260
the faculty room from our to team
0:29:56.880,0:30:02.570
meeting not so much in front of the
0:29:58.260,0:30:05.430
child but the issue really is yes it is
0:30:02.570,0:30:07.560
manipulating what’s happening because
0:30:05.430,0:30:10.590
they are terrified and they feel like
0:30:07.560,0:30:13.680
they’re about to die so if you are on a
0:30:10.590,0:30:17.280
boat and it is leaking you manipulate
0:30:13.680,0:30:20.150
that situation by Elling the boat out by
0:30:17.280,0:30:22.680
trying to get to the side off the water
0:30:20.150,0:30:26.760
that’s exactly what these children are
0:30:22.680,0:30:29.190
doing but again the term is negative in
0:30:26.760,0:30:32.550
our society and so then I help people
0:30:29.190,0:30:36.150
understand lying stealing same thing and
0:30:32.550,0:30:38.640
then my favorite because I’ve done it
0:30:36.150,0:30:43.350
and I always set myself up to show folks
0:30:38.640,0:30:44.910
I’ve grown so far you’ve been to I was a
0:30:43.350,0:30:47.400
high school teacher a middle school
0:30:44.910,0:30:49.860
teacher at this point and walk around
0:30:47.400,0:30:51.630
class checking homework and there’s a
0:30:49.860,0:30:53.670
young man who hadn’t had this homework
0:30:51.630,0:30:56.400
for a couple days so I get he walk up
0:30:53.670,0:30:58.200
with the oh I hope he has it today thing
0:30:56.400,0:31:00.060
that good teachers do and sure enough
0:30:58.200,0:31:01.920
he’s looking you know picking his
0:31:00.060,0:31:05.670
fingers not there’s nothing on his desk
0:31:01.920,0:31:07.320
and so I said you know Jose
0:31:05.670,0:31:10.740
not his real name I just make names up
0:31:07.320,0:31:12.900
come on fuck my head Jose you’ve missed
0:31:10.740,0:31:14.120
five assignments and if you continue to
0:31:12.900,0:31:17.250
miss assignments gonna fail my class
0:31:14.120,0:31:20.340
says the caring teacher because I care
0:31:17.250,0:31:22.620
about Jose Theo taught me what Jose
0:31:20.340,0:31:25.580
hears is want want you’re a big loser
0:31:22.620,0:31:29.370
what won’t whine you might as well fail
0:31:25.580,0:31:31.920
now right I was not my intention course
0:31:29.370,0:31:33.900
how I have learned again whether Jose
0:31:31.920,0:31:36.270
has trauma are not irrelevant now what I
0:31:33.900,0:31:38.580
say is was hey this is your third missed
0:31:36.270,0:31:40.200
assignment can you see me later or you
0:31:38.580,0:31:42.300
know can we step out in the hall private
0:31:40.200,0:31:44.580
conversation what’s going on how can I
0:31:42.300,0:31:46.350
help I want you to be able to be
0:31:44.580,0:31:48.720
successful with your homework it doesn’t
0:31:46.350,0:31:50.640
feel good to not have it that’s a
0:31:48.720,0:31:52.800
completely different conversation well
0:31:50.640,0:31:56.070
what if they don’t have trauma same
0:31:52.800,0:31:57.540
conversation because what do we want we
0:31:56.070,0:32:00.030
want the child to do is home from work
0:31:57.540,0:32:01.370
and again we you and I could go on
0:32:00.030,0:32:06.570
forever
0:32:01.370,0:32:08.580
Russell Skiba Fonseca dr. fabulo Google
0:32:06.570,0:32:10.830
these names and read the fact that there
0:32:08.580,0:32:13.680
are 20 years of research that suspension
0:32:10.830,0:32:15.480
and detention hurts children and has
0:32:13.680,0:32:19.170
never in the history of that practice
0:32:15.480,0:32:21.600
helped a single child yes and I think
0:32:19.170,0:32:24.810
that something that what you just
0:32:21.600,0:32:27.090
brought up is something that I encounter
0:32:24.810,0:32:29.790
working with parents often is that
0:32:27.090,0:32:33.300
they’re an experienced as a parent
0:32:29.790,0:32:38.390
myself there’s this point where even
0:32:33.300,0:32:43.260
after learning you know this newer
0:32:38.390,0:32:46.010
approach and new new tools that you
0:32:43.260,0:32:49.260
start to get a little bit worried that
0:32:46.010,0:32:52.890
your trauma-informed compassionate
0:32:49.260,0:32:56.790
response is permissive right and then
0:32:52.890,0:33:01.560
you start to go okay well I called I
0:32:56.790,0:33:04.230
call BS right this is that was just
0:33:01.560,0:33:09.240
trying to get away with something and if
0:33:04.230,0:33:10.560
I don’t if there’s not a you know a you
0:33:09.240,0:33:13.440
know if I don’t approach it in a
0:33:10.560,0:33:16.860
punitive way then we’re gonna have a big
0:33:13.440,0:33:18.330
problem what do you say to that cuz I
0:33:16.860,0:33:21.330
know what I say
0:33:18.330,0:33:23.250
that it’s terrifying when you first
0:33:21.330,0:33:25.110
start to shift because again it is
0:33:23.250,0:33:27.630
happened in my own house
0:33:25.110,0:33:29.789
yes meet you because honestly and I tell
0:33:27.630,0:33:32.010
this story in my two of my books just
0:33:29.789,0:33:33.690
because it’s freaking adorable but I put
0:33:32.010,0:33:36.510
what did I do but I’m a great behavior
0:33:33.690,0:33:38.429
my person a student of BF Skinner and I
0:33:36.510,0:33:41.490
got this little boy who was terrorizing
0:33:38.429,0:33:43.440
my home little do you know just some of
0:33:41.490,0:33:44.539
his first English words were to call me
0:33:43.440,0:33:47.820
up poopy-head
0:33:44.539,0:33:49.649
what we’re dealing with so I get you
0:33:47.820,0:33:51.779
know cuz I know how to do this and I
0:33:49.649,0:33:53.850
calmly say you know Theo we’re gonna
0:33:51.779,0:33:57.059
really focus on the things you’re doing
0:33:53.850,0:33:58.320
well that Mommy wants you to do so I got
0:33:57.059,0:34:00.750
a little piece of construction paper
0:33:58.320,0:34:02.460
like I tore it into a quarter at first
0:34:00.750,0:34:04.470
and I got stickers that were really big
0:34:02.460,0:34:06.720
yeah give being success happens quickly
0:34:04.470,0:34:07.919
and every time he did what mommy asked
0:34:06.720,0:34:09.540
he got to put a sticker there it was on
0:34:07.919,0:34:12.089
the fridge where he could reach it yeah
0:34:09.540,0:34:13.740
and yeah once in a while when he was
0:34:12.089,0:34:15.450
frustrated little did I know he was it
0:34:13.740,0:34:17.899
was really a trauma loop he was in he
0:34:15.450,0:34:20.879
walked over to my $8,000,000 drapery
0:34:17.899,0:34:23.250
which kids these days are not putting up
0:34:20.879,0:34:26.159
in their homes and good for them and he
0:34:23.250,0:34:27.690
just yank on it and you know I try to
0:34:26.159,0:34:29.609
distract him and I try to give him other
0:34:27.690,0:34:32.520
things and sometimes I just pulled him
0:34:29.609,0:34:35.190
away and it was starting to come loose
0:34:32.520,0:34:38.690
and come loose and one day he just
0:34:35.190,0:34:41.280
yanked it and the whole the rigging
0:34:38.690,0:34:44.129
luckily he’s standing there plaster dust
0:34:41.280,0:34:46.740
it didn’t hit him in the head but I just
0:34:44.129,0:34:49.169
was like I’m out so I just walked away
0:34:46.740,0:34:50.790
like cuz I you know I couldn’t speak and
0:34:49.169,0:34:52.050
I went in the kitchen
0:34:50.790,0:34:54.649
I might have poured myself a little
0:34:52.050,0:34:57.660
liquid courage that was not coffee but
0:34:54.649,0:34:59.670
he comes into the kitchen you know just
0:34:57.660,0:35:04.430
beautiful little boy and he’s got a
0:34:59.670,0:35:09.599
stick his hand and he goes mama I do I
0:35:04.430,0:35:12.869
was like no no you don’t and he looked
0:35:09.599,0:35:15.180
at me paused walked over to the fridge
0:35:12.869,0:35:18.980
yanked that paper off crumpled and I put
0:35:15.180,0:35:20.720
in his mouth chewed it and swallowed it
0:35:18.980,0:35:23.839
there was a minute where I was like
0:35:20.720,0:35:25.790
sticker glue toxic I don’t know but I
0:35:23.839,0:35:27.530
watched him chew and swallow the whole
0:35:25.790,0:35:29.390
thing and I Brent
0:35:27.530,0:35:31.640
okay we’re gonna have to do this
0:35:29.390,0:35:34.849
together right what he’s telling me is
0:35:31.640,0:35:36.710
this doesn’t work for him yeah so one of
0:35:34.849,0:35:38.599
the things we do in schools is we keep
0:35:36.710,0:35:41.060
doing these things because it’s all we
0:35:38.599,0:35:42.349
know how to do but any teacher will tell
0:35:41.060,0:35:44.540
you there’s a little tightness that
0:35:42.349,0:35:46.310
happens in your stomach you’re afraid
0:35:44.540,0:35:49.160
maybe not afraid of the student but
0:35:46.310,0:35:53.089
honestly I have been afraid of students
0:35:49.160,0:35:56.089
and my son it’s okay to say that yes but
0:35:53.089,0:35:58.880
so you’re afraid it’s not going to work
0:35:56.089,0:36:02.420
so then you do more of it louder or
0:35:58.880,0:36:05.000
that’s it that’s six detentions because
0:36:02.420,0:36:07.760
you’re afraid of that chaos so what I
0:36:05.000,0:36:09.530
tell people is it does take try little
0:36:07.760,0:36:11.630
baby steps you don’t want to try this
0:36:09.530,0:36:13.280
first on the kid who’s you know and I
0:36:11.630,0:36:15.920
always say throwing chairs but not every
0:36:13.280,0:36:18.050
kid throws chairs Theo was a big chair
0:36:15.920,0:36:21.320
thrower from way back which is why I but
0:36:18.050,0:36:23.210
so the kids the kids stopped learning in
0:36:21.320,0:36:26.060
your classroom right whatever he’s doing
0:36:23.210,0:36:30.170
you can’t let it go on he won’t let
0:36:26.060,0:36:33.619
learning go on yelling cursing depending
0:36:30.170,0:36:35.089
on his age tantrum and on the floor you
0:36:33.619,0:36:36.710
know picking on other kids you all that
0:36:35.089,0:36:39.589
stuff where you finally can’t go on you
0:36:36.710,0:36:43.579
can’t ignore it anymore start with that
0:36:39.589,0:36:46.849
kid and just say this needs to stop it’s
0:36:43.579,0:36:50.420
okay to say whoa we’re gonna stop this
0:36:46.849,0:36:53.210
is not safe for any of us right so I
0:36:50.420,0:36:56.960
learned to say that even when I was
0:36:53.210,0:36:58.940
terrified you know and and I got a
0:36:56.960,0:37:00.770
called in to consult with a young man
0:36:58.940,0:37:03.890
who was new to a school middle school
0:37:00.770,0:37:06.740
and he just sometimes these kids the
0:37:03.890,0:37:09.440
poor thing he was a giant and I can’t
0:37:06.740,0:37:11.619
even imagine the man he is because he
0:37:09.440,0:37:14.030
was as tall as the assistant principal
0:37:11.619,0:37:18.170
probably going to be you know a six foot
0:37:14.030,0:37:19.849
seven full grown man so and that’s the
0:37:18.170,0:37:21.920
other thing it’s okay to recognize if
0:37:19.849,0:37:24.800
you’re a four foot two female teacher
0:37:21.920,0:37:27.500
and he’s already six foot and he’s
0:37:24.800,0:37:28.190
hormonal and he’s screaming that’s
0:37:27.500,0:37:31.430
terrifying
0:37:28.190,0:37:32.810
yes so I go they called me I happen to
0:37:31.430,0:37:34.520
be at another school in the district
0:37:32.810,0:37:36.230
I come driving over they wanted me to
0:37:34.520,0:37:38.150
see what was going on and I tell the
0:37:36.230,0:37:40.340
story I named him Wally not his real
0:37:38.150,0:37:42.620
name true student true story was not his
0:37:40.340,0:37:45.830
name’s Wally there’s Wally at the end of
0:37:42.620,0:37:48.770
the cafeteria beatin the heck out of the
0:37:45.830,0:37:50.030
Snapple machine but now if you can
0:37:48.770,0:37:53.450
imagine do you know those soda machines
0:37:50.030,0:37:55.550
have that plexiglass and he’s hit it so
0:37:53.450,0:37:57.590
hard that it’s cracking and his fist is
0:37:55.550,0:38:01.310
going through and he’s yanking it back
0:37:57.590,0:38:03.590
out so he’s scraping and bleeding and
0:38:01.310,0:38:05.450
he’s screaming and it’s a terrifying
0:38:03.590,0:38:07.700
sight now man already had the good
0:38:05.450,0:38:11.090
foresight to remove all the rest of the
0:38:07.700,0:38:12.650
children from that recess kids like we
0:38:11.090,0:38:15.290
don’t have recess you do today everybody
0:38:12.650,0:38:17.360
outside now you do yeah
0:38:15.290,0:38:20.420
and really what they wanted not you know
0:38:17.360,0:38:22.250
the two ministers happened to be men who
0:38:20.420,0:38:25.970
were you know large in their own right
0:38:22.250,0:38:27.560
and strong but what they you gotta love
0:38:25.970,0:38:30.590
people for trying they wanted to watch
0:38:27.560,0:38:33.530
me do this in a trauma-informed way so I
0:38:30.590,0:38:36.980
walked down there at about a six-foot
0:38:33.530,0:38:39.440
distance from him to be safe and then
0:38:36.980,0:38:41.960
stood at a place where he could see that
0:38:39.440,0:38:43.520
I was now standing on and he stops
0:38:41.960,0:38:46.130
punching this thing long enough to look
0:38:43.520,0:38:48.260
over at me and go you know for you
0:38:46.130,0:38:51.740
and then go back to it and I’m like you
0:38:48.260,0:38:54.110
know hi Wally I’m Melissa you know they
0:38:51.740,0:38:56.960
called me this is you know this here is
0:38:54.110,0:38:59.390
kind of a problem you know again he’s a
0:38:56.960,0:39:01.970
hurt man so he’s like what’s it to eff
0:38:59.390,0:39:04.670
and you know and go away and he’s still
0:39:01.970,0:39:09.620
taken out on a Snapple machine and I
0:39:04.670,0:39:11.510
just said she’s that’s too bad and again
0:39:09.620,0:39:12.950
I wasn’t yelling I wasn’t if you punched
0:39:11.510,0:39:15.020
that one more time you can’t destroy
0:39:12.950,0:39:18.050
school property all these things that I
0:39:15.020,0:39:20.960
said before I learned how to do this he
0:39:18.050,0:39:22.580
stopped and he finally just like what is
0:39:20.960,0:39:23.090
your deal why are you still standing
0:39:22.580,0:39:27.320
here
0:39:23.090,0:39:29.650
and I looked in when I said because I
0:39:27.320,0:39:34.730
wanted a Snapple
0:39:29.650,0:39:36.680
and he chuckled and uh sadly before I
0:39:34.730,0:39:40.220
can stop me he reached into the broken
0:39:36.680,0:39:42.200
machine I mean got one out and handed it
0:39:40.220,0:39:45.100
to me and you know I unscrewed that
0:39:42.200,0:39:48.820
thing and drank from it right
0:39:45.100,0:39:50.860
but teachers are like you know if you go
0:39:48.820,0:39:55.210
out at that calm you’re telling Wally
0:39:50.860,0:39:56.110
it’s okay no no part of Wally thinks
0:39:55.210,0:39:58.870
it’s okay
0:39:56.110,0:40:02.020
to destroy the Snapple machine the child
0:39:58.870,0:40:04.540
was hijacked by the survival brain just
0:40:02.020,0:40:06.640
like when faith was manipulating you
0:40:04.540,0:40:08.500
exactly some kids will put their head
0:40:06.640,0:40:10.990
down on the desk and literally like not
0:40:08.500,0:40:13.930
lifted even if you tried they’re there
0:40:10.990,0:40:15.760
in flight so Wally was actually in
0:40:13.930,0:40:18.160
flight he just couldn’t take it anymore
0:40:15.760,0:40:20.530
and had to let the steam off somehow
0:40:18.160,0:40:22.570
well long story short Wally
0:40:20.530,0:40:23.770
started a school collection cuz now
0:40:22.570,0:40:25.540
you’ve got middle school kids who are
0:40:23.770,0:40:28.390
like terrified of this kid so how is he
0:40:25.540,0:40:32.140
gonna make friends he’s new also once
0:40:28.390,0:40:34.870
you dig in he’s on his sixth school he
0:40:32.140,0:40:38.080
was expelled from two of them his mother
0:40:34.870,0:40:40.150
just kept you know moving him when he
0:40:38.080,0:40:42.520
you know got so many points that and he
0:40:40.150,0:40:44.680
wasn’t allowed to come to school and
0:40:42.520,0:40:47.080
when we finally sat down with her and
0:40:44.680,0:40:49.810
again parents you know this you’re
0:40:47.080,0:40:52.120
defensive you’re upset you know you just
0:40:49.810,0:40:54.840
keep giving my kid discipline and you’re
0:40:52.120,0:40:57.580
not helping him and I can’t help him oh
0:40:54.840,0:41:00.940
you know we were like you know dear mrs.
0:40:57.580,0:41:03.790
Wally we want to help you and Wally and
0:41:00.940,0:41:05.830
we’re not gonna punish Wally but we’re
0:41:03.790,0:41:09.040
gonna give him a chance to fix what he
0:41:05.830,0:41:11.980
broke because that’s where resilience
0:41:09.040,0:41:13.240
gets built exactly when while he found
0:41:11.980,0:41:15.850
out that he wasn’t going to get
0:41:13.240,0:41:17.290
suspended and I actually brokered a
0:41:15.850,0:41:18.460
relationship with him in the assistant
0:41:17.290,0:41:20.410
principal because again now I’m not
0:41:18.460,0:41:22.300
gonna be back tomorrow morning and I
0:41:20.410,0:41:24.550
wanted somebody he would see every day
0:41:22.300,0:41:27.340
to start to connect with him he did a
0:41:24.550,0:41:29.230
collection and the parent-teacher
0:41:27.340,0:41:30.970
organization helped him and he raised
0:41:29.230,0:41:33.640
the money for a new Snapple machine and
0:41:30.970,0:41:35.710
then he sat next to this Apple machine
0:41:33.640,0:41:37.450
for the rest of his years at that school
0:41:35.710,0:41:38.020
and he took your money and bought your
0:41:37.450,0:41:39.130
Snapple
0:41:38.020,0:41:44.220
you don’t want anybody wrecked the
0:41:39.130,0:41:48.450
machine I love that and I and that is
0:41:44.220,0:41:52.720
connection break repair right there and
0:41:48.450,0:41:55.150
the and teaching our kids that have
0:41:52.720,0:41:57.970
difficulty with relationships that
0:41:55.150,0:42:01.119
relationships are repairable
0:41:57.970,0:42:04.270
even when they their system gets
0:42:01.119,0:42:07.720
hijacked and they had some big thing and
0:42:04.270,0:42:10.810
in that moment that you explained what I
0:42:07.720,0:42:14.050
love so much is what you did was
0:42:10.810,0:42:17.590
communicate to him you are human even
0:42:14.050,0:42:20.200
though you’ve had this big big reaction
0:42:17.590,0:42:22.510
this big feeling flood this big reaction
0:42:20.200,0:42:24.820
you are still human I’m not gonna run
0:42:22.510,0:42:26.980
from you I’m not gonna keep proximity
0:42:24.820,0:42:30.010
I’m gonna help you feel safe and I’m
0:42:26.980,0:42:32.200
gonna still treat you like a person
0:42:30.010,0:42:35.800
gonna be here till we work this out
0:42:32.200,0:42:37.660
Wally that was my message with my hands
0:42:35.800,0:42:39.220
at my sides which is hard for me because
0:42:37.660,0:42:41.349
I’m more comfortable with crossed arms
0:42:39.220,0:42:44.590
but I know that that communicates you
0:42:41.349,0:42:47.770
know frustration and power so I work
0:42:44.590,0:42:50.349
hard to keep them at my side but the
0:42:47.770,0:42:52.180
other thing is when you teach parents
0:42:50.349,0:42:54.540
and teachers this concept of
0:42:52.180,0:42:58.300
particularly for children of trauma that
0:42:54.540,0:43:02.609
inside the fabric of who they are is
0:42:58.300,0:43:08.130
first of all way behind in age but also
0:43:02.609,0:43:11.619
filled with like genetic sense of
0:43:08.130,0:43:13.990
worthlessness right no it’s not
0:43:11.619,0:43:17.320
cognitive I’m no good it’s like
0:43:13.990,0:43:20.140
breathing I’m no good I am unworthy for
0:43:17.320,0:43:22.720
Theo as explained by the therapist that
0:43:20.140,0:43:25.570
saved my life he wakes up every morning
0:43:22.720,0:43:29.950
in his brain reprocesses the separation
0:43:25.570,0:43:32.560
from his birth mother and so basically
0:43:29.950,0:43:35.260
the fabric of Theo was of course I’m in
0:43:32.560,0:43:38.140
trouble I’m unworthy of course you know
0:43:35.260,0:43:40.000
I’m I’m no good so you actually have to
0:43:38.140,0:43:42.460
I said this to my son and I said it to
0:43:40.000,0:43:44.349
students I I refuse to give up on you
0:43:42.460,0:43:46.300
even if you give up on yourself I’m not
0:43:44.349,0:43:50.290
gonna do it you can’t chase me away I
0:43:46.300,0:43:51.970
won’t be driven away and they look like
0:43:50.290,0:43:55.000
they want to drive you away in some
0:43:51.970,0:43:57.220
cases either by refusing to speak at all
0:43:55.000,0:43:58.690
or by speaking way too much in words
0:43:57.220,0:44:01.599
when no one wants to hear and their
0:43:58.690,0:44:06.640
entire system is telling them to drive
0:44:01.599,0:44:08.800
you away right and dangerous right and I
0:44:06.640,0:44:10.309
think what’s so important what I know
0:44:08.800,0:44:11.930
for me was
0:44:10.309,0:44:14.829
important to understand and what I work
0:44:11.930,0:44:18.949
really hard with with parents and and
0:44:14.829,0:44:20.959
everybody to understand is that that and
0:44:18.949,0:44:24.259
I think it’s hard to understand once
0:44:20.959,0:44:27.499
kids start to have some periods of more
0:44:24.259,0:44:34.489
regulate more regulated periods is that
0:44:27.499,0:44:37.329
in regulation they do start to feel you
0:44:34.489,0:44:40.039
know safer and more okay but in those
0:44:37.329,0:44:43.009
dysregulated moments and escalated and
0:44:40.039,0:44:45.739
dysregulated moments that comes flooding
0:44:43.009,0:44:49.130
back that all of those feelings of
0:44:45.739,0:44:51.469
worthlessness feelings of of total
0:44:49.130,0:44:54.650
rejection everything they ever felt
0:44:51.469,0:44:57.229
comes flooding back and it’s really true
0:44:54.650,0:44:59.449
for all of us that happens for all of us
0:44:57.229,0:45:02.779
when any of us are dysregulated we all
0:44:59.449,0:45:06.199
revert to our least the least we think
0:45:02.779,0:45:08.209
of ourselves in those most and if you
0:45:06.199,0:45:10.789
can put yourself in that moment even if
0:45:08.209,0:45:13.160
you’re not a child if you are a child
0:45:10.789,0:45:16.069
who now you can identify might have had
0:45:13.160,0:45:18.079
separation might have been hurt or not
0:45:16.069,0:45:19.969
gotten what you need cuz let’s keep in
0:45:18.079,0:45:22.249
mind trauma isn’t only someone’s fault
0:45:19.969,0:45:24.380
it’s another thing I love about the new
0:45:22.249,0:45:25.219
definition child abuse always was
0:45:24.380,0:45:27.380
someone’s fault
0:45:25.219,0:45:30.259
by definition someone was losing a child
0:45:27.380,0:45:32.449
trauma is yes physical and emotional and
0:45:30.259,0:45:35.089
sexual abuse but it’s so much more it’s
0:45:32.449,0:45:37.429
poverty it’s being in an under resourced
0:45:35.089,0:45:39.829
community it’s right so it doesn’t
0:45:37.429,0:45:42.650
always mean that you’re a bad mother or
0:45:39.829,0:45:44.959
that as a from an educator standpoint
0:45:42.650,0:45:48.019
that the child’s parents don’t love them
0:45:44.959,0:45:52.309
right so it’s a wonderful word that
0:45:48.019,0:45:55.939
needs to be above and beyond blame but
0:45:52.309,0:45:58.009
the point is that even if you don’t have
0:45:55.939,0:46:00.499
trauma being able to put yourself
0:45:58.009,0:46:04.579
carefully into a place where you think
0:46:00.499,0:46:06.109
for example I I was a library aide
0:46:04.579,0:46:08.089
during high school was like you know
0:46:06.109,0:46:10.609
senior year I got a couple credits and I
0:46:08.089,0:46:14.779
you know ice shelves books but I was
0:46:10.609,0:46:16.130
cutting those big note cards the
0:46:14.779,0:46:21.279
librarian asked me to cut them all in
0:46:16.130,0:46:23.900
half so I put too many on the stack and
0:46:21.279,0:46:26.569
using the paper cutter I cut my
0:46:23.900,0:46:30.260
finger off it’s actually still you know
0:46:26.569,0:46:33.170
I’m shorter than the other one so yeah I
0:46:30.260,0:46:36.890
see paper cutters and like my teeth
0:46:33.170,0:46:40.480
start to hurt I so some people can
0:46:36.890,0:46:43.309
identify with nails on a chalkboard
0:46:40.480,0:46:45.260
right another one where even just
0:46:43.309,0:46:48.710
talking about it my my gums are tingling
0:46:45.260,0:46:53.260
and yet if you locked me in a room with
0:46:48.710,0:46:57.349
someone with a chalkboard and a fork I
0:46:53.260,0:46:58.460
would either freeze try to withdraw and
0:46:57.349,0:47:01.279
pretend it wasn’t happening
0:46:58.460,0:47:03.500
I would flee bust out of the room or I
0:47:01.279,0:47:06.730
would fight grab the fork and stab the
0:47:03.500,0:47:11.510
person right what I will never do
0:47:06.730,0:47:15.980
hundred years is get over my response to
0:47:11.510,0:47:17.480
that sound and I will never get over the
0:47:15.980,0:47:21.380
fact that paper cutters make me very
0:47:17.480,0:47:23.180
nervous yes seven strategies for yes I
0:47:21.380,0:47:26.390
step on a teacher or we get paper
0:47:23.180,0:47:28.789
cutters in the building so I have
0:47:26.390,0:47:31.369
learned to let other people operate them
0:47:28.789,0:47:33.319
now they actually have those finger
0:47:31.369,0:47:34.730
guards on them so that you can’t slide
0:47:33.319,0:47:38.539
your finger all the way up to the blade
0:47:34.730,0:47:41.720
but I have learned strategies and that’s
0:47:38.539,0:47:45.470
resilience I have adapted but it hasn’t
0:47:41.720,0:47:47.720
gone away for me right we have to
0:47:45.470,0:47:51.410
remember that about all people and again
0:47:47.720,0:47:56.690
crossing back over children of color if
0:47:51.410,0:47:59.150
you live in Minneapolis and you are an 8
0:47:56.690,0:48:01.190
year old child of color even if you
0:47:59.150,0:48:03.740
weren’t out on the street and and have
0:48:01.190,0:48:05.930
not been exposed to ongoing news loops
0:48:03.740,0:48:10.789
if you know what happened to George
0:48:05.930,0:48:13.609
Floyd that’s a trauma to you so same
0:48:10.789,0:48:16.789
thing poverty which cuts across all
0:48:13.609,0:48:20.380
colors and non colors but it’s that’s
0:48:16.789,0:48:24.650
why these things you have to recognize
0:48:20.380,0:48:27.920
that trauma can be anything that makes
0:48:24.650,0:48:29.329
you afraid and repeats it will change
0:48:27.920,0:48:31.940
the way your brain grows so you don’t
0:48:29.329,0:48:33.619
get to judge what’s what one person’s
0:48:31.940,0:48:35.359
trauma might not be another person’s
0:48:33.619,0:48:37.580
trauma and that leads to the pandemic
0:48:35.359,0:48:39.350
which end & floody have come out
0:48:37.580,0:48:42.530
written papers it’s an ace it’s an
0:48:39.350,0:48:46.390
address so we all get to unite in that
0:48:42.530,0:48:49.910
one and add it to our growing list but I
0:48:46.390,0:48:51.560
have a friend who like I actually did an
0:48:49.910,0:48:53.810
intervention the other day because she
0:48:51.560,0:48:55.370
has struggled with addiction in the past
0:48:53.810,0:48:58.130
and she goes to meetings all the time
0:48:55.370,0:49:01.580
without meetings without anyone coming
0:48:58.130,0:49:06.110
in to check on her her addiction took
0:49:01.580,0:49:09.650
over right and so I went and I busted in
0:49:06.110,0:49:12.080
and I was like I am here for you know so
0:49:09.650,0:49:14.420
the pandemic hasn’t had that impact on
0:49:12.080,0:49:18.020
me but that doesn’t mean I’m less or
0:49:14.420,0:49:20.630
more than my friend exactly and it’s
0:49:18.020,0:49:23.750
that’s that’s the bottom line for all of
0:49:20.630,0:49:25.400
this find out who you are what makes up
0:49:23.750,0:49:27.170
so now I know about nails on a
0:49:25.400,0:49:30.230
chalkboard and sometimes when Theo
0:49:27.170,0:49:32.510
responds in counterintuitive or
0:49:30.230,0:49:34.370
unproductive ways and he’s 22 he’s a
0:49:32.510,0:49:36.140
young adult I just say now is gonna
0:49:34.370,0:49:40.280
chalkboard nails on a chalkboard he
0:49:36.140,0:49:42.590
can’t not acknowledge that stressor and
0:49:40.280,0:49:46.360
it makes me patient and it makes me
0:49:42.590,0:49:51.020
helpful it has to start with us
0:49:46.360,0:49:53.300
absolutely and and going back to the
0:49:51.020,0:49:55.130
pandemic in response to the pandemic I
0:49:53.300,0:49:58.700
know that you have a conference that
0:49:55.130,0:50:00.110
you’re doing here coming up soon do you
0:49:58.700,0:50:02.750
want to talk a little bit about that
0:50:00.110,0:50:05.390
about what you’re doing what you have
0:50:02.750,0:50:07.760
coming up I’ve been doing some work for
0:50:05.390,0:50:11.660
national school boards and I just did a
0:50:07.760,0:50:14.740
podcast BlogTalkRadio for New Jersey
0:50:11.660,0:50:17.900
school boards I’m a school board member
0:50:14.740,0:50:20.860
for you know we’re create trying to
0:50:17.900,0:50:22.580
create manuals guides that
0:50:20.860,0:50:24.920
administrative superintendents
0:50:22.580,0:50:28.100
principals can use to start to figure
0:50:24.920,0:50:29.930
out what September looks like so for the
0:50:28.100,0:50:32.450
teachers and administrators who are
0:50:29.930,0:50:35.590
wondering and curious I’m doing a
0:50:32.450,0:50:37.550
two-day workshop June 24th and 25th
0:50:35.590,0:50:39.230
virtually which is kind of exciting
0:50:37.550,0:50:41.690
because now I get to invite people all
0:50:39.230,0:50:44.360
over the country sad because I missed
0:50:41.690,0:50:47.660
the 8th person to person but you can go
0:50:44.360,0:50:49.670
to my website trauma-sensitive calm all
0:50:47.660,0:50:51.109
the details are there the first day is
0:50:49.670,0:50:52.609
going to be all
0:50:51.109,0:50:54.680
most all of what Tiffany I’ve just been
0:50:52.609,0:50:56.480
talking about I’m gonna lay out this
0:50:54.680,0:50:57.829
biology that we’ve been talking about
0:50:56.480,0:50:59.690
I’m gonna lay out adverse childhood
0:50:57.829,0:51:01.809
experiences I’m going to give you
0:50:59.690,0:51:05.210
definitions for things like racism
0:51:01.809,0:51:06.140
systemic racism white privilege bias all
0:51:05.210,0:51:06.769
these things that are being thrown
0:51:06.140,0:51:08.900
around
0:51:06.769,0:51:11.619
I will neatly and carefully and with
0:51:08.900,0:51:14.749
great respect show you how that and
0:51:11.619,0:51:18.140
trauma really the movement is the same
0:51:14.749,0:51:19.700
and we’ll spend the entire afternoon on
0:51:18.140,0:51:22.730
what will what do trauma-informed
0:51:19.700,0:51:25.039
virtual classrooms look like and in the
0:51:22.730,0:51:27.079
absence of knowing are we gonna have
0:51:25.039,0:51:28.970
some of our kids back in small groups
0:51:27.079,0:51:31.099
not at all
0:51:28.970,0:51:34.009
how we can do that in a trauma-informed
0:51:31.099,0:51:37.430
way so I’ll be laying all that out the
0:51:34.009,0:51:39.920
second day there’s another whole story
0:51:37.430,0:51:42.380
which is special education and children
0:51:39.920,0:51:44.930
of trauma and near and dear to my heart
0:51:42.380,0:51:47.299
special education so day two will be
0:51:44.930,0:51:50.359
that so you can sign up for one day or
0:51:47.299,0:51:52.119
both days in case special education is
0:51:50.359,0:51:55.609
not at all an area of interest for you
0:51:52.119,0:51:57.230
and we are definitely going to make that
0:51:55.609,0:51:59.839
available it’s actually available now
0:51:57.230,0:52:02.390
under code 19 resources on our website
0:51:59.839,0:52:05.989
but we will make sure that it’s in
0:52:02.390,0:52:08.749
within this broadcast it’ll be available
0:52:05.989,0:52:10.789
and it’ll be easy to access on our
0:52:08.749,0:52:13.849
website so people can sign up through
0:52:10.789,0:52:15.920
this if they want to they can access
0:52:13.849,0:52:20.869
your site and get you know get signed up
0:52:15.920,0:52:23.420
for that and I did want to talk if you
0:52:20.869,0:52:25.579
if you have a little more time I I
0:52:23.420,0:52:31.730
definitely wanted to talk a little bit
0:52:25.579,0:52:37.609
about about a little bit more about your
0:52:31.730,0:52:42.650
work in schools like what you about
0:52:37.609,0:52:45.619
creating a cop about your what you do to
0:52:42.650,0:52:47.059
create a trauma sensitive classroom well
0:52:45.619,0:52:49.400
you can call me if you have a kid
0:52:47.059,0:52:53.029
beating up a Snapple machine but for
0:52:49.400,0:52:55.400
sure what I do because that’s the whole
0:52:53.029,0:52:57.650
thing right you don’t want to call on me
0:52:55.400,0:52:59.900
to fix the problems for you because I
0:52:57.650,0:53:01.099
can’t be there all the time and next
0:52:59.900,0:53:03.380
year there could be another while you
0:53:01.099,0:53:04.440
does something very different what I
0:53:03.380,0:53:07.590
believe
0:53:04.440,0:53:09.930
first of all I believe in teachers and I
0:53:07.590,0:53:12.450
believe in their genuine their
0:53:09.930,0:53:15.540
creativity and their deep care for kids
0:53:12.450,0:53:17.130
so I and as an administrator always
0:53:15.540,0:53:19.620
believed that the only way that you
0:53:17.130,0:53:21.810
create climate and academic change in
0:53:19.620,0:53:24.690
your school is to build capacity in your
0:53:21.810,0:53:27.090
own teachers so my program is all about
0:53:24.690,0:53:30.300
that I come in and I talk to
0:53:27.090,0:53:31.890
administrators I can talk to special ed
0:53:30.300,0:53:35.130
Genet I can talk to your whole staff at
0:53:31.890,0:53:37.170
once I have basically a one-day or two
0:53:35.130,0:53:39.840
day and I my favorite is the three day
0:53:37.170,0:53:42.000
train the trainer program the third day
0:53:39.840,0:53:44.430
is your teacher leaders this committee
0:53:42.000,0:53:48.030
you form that’s going to lead the work
0:53:44.430,0:53:49.800
it takes five years to grow a garden in
0:53:48.030,0:53:51.510
your house that is sustainable it takes
0:53:49.800,0:53:53.850
five years to grow a trauma-informed
0:53:51.510,0:53:56.580
school that is sustainable this is not
0:53:53.850,0:53:59.610
one day I call it the reading revelation
0:53:56.580,0:54:01.710
think of it this way no one ever learns
0:53:59.610,0:54:05.550
how to teach reading in one day we all
0:54:01.710,0:54:07.590
teach reading no one no one I have never
0:54:05.550,0:54:08.970
met an educator who says reading is not
0:54:07.590,0:54:12.300
important that’s not what I do
0:54:08.970,0:54:14.790
this movement is the same as that it’s
0:54:12.300,0:54:16.920
as essential to the learning of every
0:54:14.790,0:54:20.610
child in that school as the reading
0:54:16.920,0:54:23.580
program is so putting putting this first
0:54:20.610,0:54:25.950
will actually make more resilient and
0:54:23.580,0:54:30.000
more effective learners so I can come to
0:54:25.950,0:54:32.880
your school I can do in-person if we’re
0:54:30.000,0:54:36.870
allowed I’m now doing and all of my
0:54:32.880,0:54:40.440
programs virtually I have five books so
0:54:36.870,0:54:42.660
you can start there and basically you
0:54:40.440,0:54:44.100
know whatever your school needs is what
0:54:42.660,0:54:47.100
I want to come and try and help you with
0:54:44.100,0:54:49.830
so I have basic curriculum but based on
0:54:47.100,0:54:51.750
research and evidence but I love to find
0:54:49.830,0:54:54.570
out what your demographic is what your
0:54:51.750,0:54:56.970
teacher capacity is and work with you
0:54:54.570,0:54:59.370
just like I would all of my students in
0:54:56.970,0:55:02.640
the classroom getting what they need in
0:54:59.370,0:55:06.540
an individual way what is your advice
0:55:02.640,0:55:09.300
Melissa for parents in supporting
0:55:06.540,0:55:12.270
teachers because I think that that’s
0:55:09.300,0:55:16.770
really important one of the things that
0:55:12.270,0:55:18.190
that I find often is that the parents I
0:55:16.770,0:55:21.310
work with don’t know how
0:55:18.190,0:55:24.760
to properly support parents to support
0:55:21.310,0:55:28.990
teachers in this work and they really
0:55:24.760,0:55:31.030
want to so if you find that your
0:55:28.990,0:55:33.160
teachers willing and again this was what
0:55:31.030,0:55:35.050
separated Theo’s positive years in
0:55:33.160,0:55:37.360
school from his not so positive years in
0:55:35.050,0:55:38.830
school was when I met with the teachers
0:55:37.360,0:55:40.120
in August and said listen I won’t talk
0:55:38.830,0:55:43.630
to you a little bit about Thea’s unique
0:55:40.120,0:55:46.210
needs and they were like sure you know
0:55:43.630,0:55:49.090
mrs. st. I’ll read whatever you have so
0:55:46.210,0:55:52.300
if you have that teacher our dear friend
0:55:49.090,0:55:55.510
Larry his site is still there attachment
0:55:52.300,0:56:00.130
trauma Maryland Larry Smith wrote some
0:55:55.510,0:56:03.430
of the most concise easy to read papers
0:56:00.130,0:56:06.520
really that’s what they are on these
0:56:03.430,0:56:08.530
kids and what they need from teachers so
0:56:06.520,0:56:09.880
you can send your teachers there you can
0:56:08.530,0:56:14.830
print them out and give them to them
0:56:09.880,0:56:16.390
they’re free books the bottom line
0:56:14.830,0:56:19.560
though is the reason that I’m so
0:56:16.390,0:56:22.900
passionate and so exhausted is because
0:56:19.560,0:56:25.330
teachers need to learn from teachers
0:56:22.900,0:56:27.850
it’s it’s a science and an art teaching
0:56:25.330,0:56:30.970
and if you’re a parent and not also a
0:56:27.850,0:56:33.760
teacher you can say there’s this thing
0:56:30.970,0:56:35.710
like I had a parent say to me my child
0:56:33.760,0:56:37.690
has autism you know do I need to teach
0:56:35.710,0:56:40.090
you about autism yes there’s a place for
0:56:37.690,0:56:41.740
that but the end of the day as a parent
0:56:40.090,0:56:43.120
you’re not going to change and you can’t
0:56:41.740,0:56:45.640
trauma inform the school from the
0:56:43.120,0:56:49.120
outside in so what you want to do is
0:56:45.640,0:56:51.700
find someone hopefully it’s the
0:56:49.120,0:56:53.320
principal but if it’s not it might be
0:56:51.700,0:56:55.330
the school counselor at school social
0:56:53.320,0:56:58.900
worker or you just have this awesome
0:56:55.330,0:57:01.660
teacher and ask them invite them to go
0:56:58.900,0:57:04.210
to a workshop or a conference or read
0:57:01.660,0:57:07.240
something and then see how you can help
0:57:04.210,0:57:10.930
that teacher encourage other colleagues
0:57:07.240,0:57:13.900
to do the same that’s great and then my
0:57:10.930,0:57:17.830
last question is what is your advice for
0:57:13.900,0:57:23.560
teachers on how to talk to parents with
0:57:17.830,0:57:27.100
kids with trauma related needs it’s okay
0:57:23.560,0:57:30.130
to say I don’t know and that’s the same
0:57:27.100,0:57:31.810
I worked in a school where we suddenly
0:57:30.130,0:57:33.460
found ourselves to be
0:57:31.810,0:57:35.770
ground zero for a large number of
0:57:33.460,0:57:40.030
refugees from a country where they were
0:57:35.770,0:57:41.890
being ruthlessly murdered and didn’t
0:57:40.030,0:57:43.660
know the language didn’t know anything
0:57:41.890,0:57:45.250
about that experience except what I
0:57:43.660,0:57:47.020
could get my hands on so a
0:57:45.250,0:57:48.220
parent-teacher conference and this woman
0:57:47.020,0:57:51.250
sitting across from me with an
0:57:48.220,0:57:54.730
interpreter and I how can I help you is
0:57:51.250,0:57:56.380
what I said to her you know and she was
0:57:54.730,0:57:58.540
like well she wanted to understand you
0:57:56.380,0:58:00.760
know how to work the American school so
0:57:58.540,0:58:04.390
I could tell her that but then I was
0:58:00.760,0:58:07.090
like you know share what can you tell me
0:58:04.390,0:58:09.760
about your child’s experience parents
0:58:07.090,0:58:15.220
are sometimes hesitant because of the
0:58:09.760,0:58:17.860
shame to share what’s going on at home
0:58:15.220,0:58:20.050
or if you know your child’s adverse
0:58:17.860,0:58:22.150
experience is telling the teacher that
0:58:20.050,0:58:23.470
you know because my son spent three
0:58:22.150,0:58:26.110
years in an orphanage his brain is
0:58:23.470,0:58:27.760
growing differently so you are gonna see
0:58:26.110,0:58:31.480
behaviors that don’t match this
0:58:27.760,0:58:34.720
chronological age educating them same
0:58:31.480,0:58:35.950
thing just I can’t say how many times
0:58:34.720,0:58:38.530
like prepared new teachers for
0:58:35.950,0:58:40.510
parent-teacher conferences here’s what
0:58:38.530,0:58:42.070
your child’s doing in my class there’s
0:58:40.510,0:58:43.720
the great things that are happening
0:58:42.070,0:58:46.240
here’s what I’d like you and I to work
0:58:43.720,0:58:48.970
on together and I always tell teachers
0:58:46.240,0:58:50.140
how can I help you should be a question
0:58:48.970,0:58:52.180
you ask in every parent-teacher
0:58:50.140,0:58:54.400
conference you don’t have to be an
0:58:52.180,0:58:56.410
expert in trauma you don’t be have to be
0:58:54.400,0:58:58.930
an expert in refugees if you’re
0:58:56.410,0:59:01.000
non-color and you’re looking at a parent
0:58:58.930,0:59:02.100
of color that’s why you say how can I
0:59:01.000,0:59:04.540
help you
0:59:02.100,0:59:06.160
because you can only know what you know
0:59:04.540,0:59:11.020
and you don’t presume that that works
0:59:06.160,0:59:13.930
for anybody else yep that’s awesome
0:59:11.020,0:59:15.700
as as usual I could I can’t even believe
0:59:13.930,0:59:17.980
we’ve been talking forever and I feel
0:59:15.700,0:59:19.660
like we could talk forever more like I
0:59:17.980,0:59:23.920
feel like I could go a whole nother two
0:59:19.660,0:59:26.170
hours talking to you Melissa Satan well
0:59:23.920,0:59:28.530
tip honestly you know outside of this
0:59:26.170,0:59:34.330
professional webinar that’s happened yes
0:59:28.530,0:59:37.780
definitely yeah and I hope that we can
0:59:34.330,0:59:40.120
have you back again sometime and I’m I’m
0:59:37.780,0:59:44.350
very much looking forward to your
0:59:40.120,0:59:44.730
conference and I I can’t wait to see
0:59:44.350,0:59:46.710
what
0:59:44.730,0:59:50.250
next for you so I’m sure you’ve got
0:59:46.710,0:59:53.070
amazing things coming and thank you so
0:59:50.250,0:59:55.830
much for taking time out to do this and
0:59:53.070,0:59:58.530
I can’t wait to do the next things
0:59:55.830,1:00:00.090
together and if I have to thank you for
0:59:58.530,1:00:03.060
what you’re doing for parents because
1:00:00.090,1:00:05.340
knowledgeable parents are such a benefit
1:00:03.060,1:00:07.590
to the teachers that work with the
1:00:05.340,1:00:12.410
children and some of the stuff you’re
1:00:07.590,1:00:16.950
putting out is so user-friendly and so
1:00:12.410,1:00:20.700
restoring to parents thank you for doing
1:00:16.950,1:00:22.020
that thank you so much Melissa I will
1:00:20.700,1:00:27.200
talk to you soon
1:00:22.020,1:00:27.200
you got it my friend take take care
Referenced:
Melissa Sadin Books:
- Gifted Children & How Trauma Affects Them (Book)
- Teachers’ Guide to Resilience Through the Arts (Book)
- Trauma Informed Teaching Strategies (Book)
- School Leaders’ Guide to Trauma (Book)
- Teachers’ Guide to Trauma (Book)
- Peggy McIntosh – Unpacking the Invisible Backpack (FREE PDF Download)
- Jodi Picoult -Small Great Things (Book)
- Jonathan Kozol – Savage Inequalities: Children in America’s Schools (Book)
- Robin DiAngelo – White Fragility: Why It’s So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism (Book)
- Ali Michael – The Guide for White Women Who Teach Black Boys (Book)
- Lawrence Smith – Shame & Attachment (FREE PDF Download)
- Bryan Post – How To End Lying (FREE PDF Download)
- Bryan Post – How to Talk to Your Child’s Teacher (FREE PDF Download)
Research:
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