Educating & Building Resilience in Children with Trauma and our Children of Color, with Dr. Melissa Sadin

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I am so happy to have my dear dear

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friend Melissa dr. Melissa seyden I

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can’t say enough about how excited I am

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to have you here this has been I’ve been

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waiting for the right time to have you

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and I’m so glad that it worked out I’m

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gonna say I’m gonna give my synopsis of

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who you are but it’s not even gonna come

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close to doing justice but Melissa is

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you let me know if I get anything wrong

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here okay Melissa is an educator an

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education administrator a she sits on

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multiple boards for in leadership roles

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around around trauma sensitive schools

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she is really a key figure nationally

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for guiding the movement toward

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trauma-sensitive schools Melissa is an

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education consultant and developmental

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trauma expert who guides does

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professional training for schools

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professional development for schools

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municipal organizations state

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organizations and parents she is a

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member of my own you know anybody who’s

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been to any of my trainings or has spent

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any time with me hears me talk about my

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committee melissa is definitely a key

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member of my committee and I I couldn’t

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be happier to have you on this I

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wouldn’t I can’t imagine doing it

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without you did I miss any key thing

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that you do Melissa besides being a

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parent yeah I would say that the most

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important thing that I do is have the

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joy in the privilege and the ultimate

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challenge of raising two sons one of

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whom has extensive childhood

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yes which is why you are on my committee

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yes yes

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I think that what I would love to just

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start off with is having you maybe talk

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a little bit about how you came into

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this highly specialized highly nuanced

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career of yours I have the good fortune

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to be able to say that it it wolf into

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the fabric of all that I am and do and I

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don’t know how many people get to say

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that they spend their days doing nothing

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that they believe they were put on the

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planet to do my husband and I found my

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son Theo in a bulgarian orphanage when

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he was three at that time I was a

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special education teacher and then Wow

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Theo was first in our home I moved into

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administration my experience and my

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second master’s was on behaviorally

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challenged children I was an expert I

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was already doing workshops for other

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schools on managing children with

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extremely challenging behavior problems

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and then I brought on this beautiful

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beautiful little boy and nothing I did

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worked kind of like being the best

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medical doctor on the planet and having

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a child with an illness you can’t solve

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so soul-searching guilt shame I’m not

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good enough getting a lot of great

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advice from moms raising biological

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children that went backwards in my house

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I’m the kind of person that did not

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blame the child I blamed myself

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lonely finding TIFF and the rest of my

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my trauma mama tried has saved my life

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and I honestly say that it’s a it was

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like maybe more than anyone else but so

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meanwhile also my professional career

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right so I’m trying to educate Theo and

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his teachers and learning about

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developmental trauma literally you and I

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both as the research was unfolding in

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the

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twenty years every time one more thing

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was was printed we read it and it added

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to what we knew and then shifted what we

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were doing with and for our children so

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I had a great opportunity to work with a

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number of really talented educators both

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in my profession and on behalf of theö

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and watching them work with him and

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report back to me and then in my school

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applying a lot of what we were using for

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Theo on other children whether they were

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adopted or not and then realizing in the

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in the ensuing few years that what

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connected them was that they were all

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children of trauma whether they were

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living with their biological family or

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not and that really kind of started to

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create a curriculum in my head because I

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had the chance in my public school to

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try it out kids from different

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socioeconomic backgrounds and ethnic

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backgrounds different types of trauma

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and it worked every time so then because

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I am a teacher I had to tell the world

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and Theo did tell me that I needed to go

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tell the world so my first book really I

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didn’t like people say you know where do

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you see yourself in five years my answer

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never was writing books like it never

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was not on the plan at all great my son

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gave me a list of 20 things and said

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teachers all need to know this and it

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was dead-on correct I had to turn into a

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book and that’s really kind of launched

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my formal work my doctorate the ability

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to conduct my own research to be a part

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of the building of the sandbox for

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schools is really what brings me to you

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know what I’m doing here today combining

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my love for my son who’s joined me we’ll

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talk to folks sometimes trains with me

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still challenges me yeah and then my

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lifelong learning as an educator and my

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additional education and then the

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opportunity to study it deeply in a dr.

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away so here I am

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trying to help people and children and

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thank goodness and I one of the things I

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think your kids and I think Theo and my

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kids both have in common is that desire

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for us to continue to advocate for them

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and I I think that is something that’s

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very different about our situation I

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mean our kids both are really passionate

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about us continuing to advocate and I

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think that’s a really key part of of my

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own

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I know feeling comfortable being out

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there and doing this work is that my

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kids are very comfortable with that they

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actually feel like that’s a piece of

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their own healing and recovery

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yeah Theo he’s heard me tell his story

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and sometimes some very dark and

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difficult times his behavior in school

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to a roomful of 70 people and he did he

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doesn’t feel like he you know that’s

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Pete what he would say is tell them so

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they can learn I you know I used to

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around the best I could

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so the fact that I threw a garbage can

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down the hallway you know it was the

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best I had at that time so he yeah he’s

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been a great advocate for me to tell his

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story and help same-same with my kids we

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recently recorded one of these with we

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now have somebody who does the neuro

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sequential trauma assessment and Jonah

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was willing to share his nmt assessment

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and let her you know talk about his

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assessment and share that when you know

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at 16 years old because he gets the

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importance of the tool and you know it’s

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okay you share where my deficits are

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because I want people to know you know

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how to help kids you know and I think

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that’s really great I think it’s been

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empowering for my kids and one of the

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things I’ve found in coaching kids with

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regulation and resilience is that when

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they really understand the differences

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in their neurology and learn to work

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like that

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they become their biggest advocate you

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know the things that I tell people all

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the time is when you talk to kids

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because now in the world of schools it

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is different because you’re talking to

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someone else’s child right exactly you

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do want to be appropriate you don’t want

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to overstep on any particular

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families core belief system might be

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what I have found is that when you talk

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to students about their brains you

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remove the shame absolutely and it works

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for kids who have trauma history and

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kids who don’t because I’m raising a

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child in my home was biological to me

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and everything that Theo taught me has

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worked brilliantly on him he’s a very

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actualized 16 year old young man who

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knows who he is because I realized that

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you know punishment is a false prophecy

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and I learned it in my home I I got a

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chance to practice it across hundreds of

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children so that gives me the evidence

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that my curriculum needs but I tell

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teachers are like how do we talk about

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this with kids

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I said you talked about in middle school

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sex education you talk about parts of

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the body we little kids how to brush

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your teeth because these things are

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essential and important so talk to them

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about the limbic system the part of the

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brain that can be impacted by trauma

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give them strategies because then when

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you want them to regulate they

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understand why you’re asking them to do

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exactly exactly and oh you’re you know

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music to my ears one of the things I

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also wanted to I was really curious for

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you as a parent who is also an educator

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and going back to your point about being

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an educator and a parent during the time

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that this movement was really taking

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hold and taking off it’s so interesting

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to me because I remember the days of

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being a parent learning all of this

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important stuff and going in and feeling

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like I was you know fighting a battle

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just getting educators to be receptive I

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wonder what it’s been like being an

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educator in that journey me enough I’ve

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been down this road before but not from

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a personal perspective I dating myself

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was actually a new teacher in the days

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before anybody had a word for autism

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again my classroom was full of children

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with unique and interesting and

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challenging behaviors some of which to

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our knowledge had no origin and I met

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this young man I always call Anthony in

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my stories that is not his real name but

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he’s a real student I was teaching high

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school at the time

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my self-contained class happened to be

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all boys called him my guys we were

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tight

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principal who I love genius of a man

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taught me so much comes to the door with

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this young man was going like this and

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mumbling to himself and my principal

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again really great guy kids love him

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he’s purple with rage he said to me this

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is Anthony you have to take him because

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I’m gonna kill him and I was like okay

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Anthony come on in I’m looking at my

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boys you know give him my students that

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sit down and be quiet don’t say anything

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Anthony they did and I went out in the

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hall and I asked them for what’s going

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on and he was like look this kids a new

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student and he skips down the hall and

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he screams and he sings and he won’t do

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anything I tell him dude won’t look me

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in the eye he’s disrespectful right

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because he was taking behavior as he saw

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it and filtering it into this child and

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it wasn’t his fault or the child’s fault

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the child had a condition that this man

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had never been explained then as I was

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working with Anthony I went to Jersey

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pride baby I went to a workshop in Eden

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Institute in Princeton New Jersey the

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home of the first curriculum for

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children with autism and it was a

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workshop you know do you have a student

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who and it lists 10 things I’m like

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that’s Anthony so I went running this

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workshop came home oh my goodness first

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thing I said in my principal is you’re

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not gonna yell at Anthony anymore he

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can’t help it and that completely

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changed the way everybody in our school

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worked with Anthony no one lowered our

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expectations for Anthony but instead of

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punishing him because his paper looked

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disrespectful we were able to accept it

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and then of course what schools all over

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the country did so there’s this thing

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autism what do we do how do we help

0:13:17.609,0:13:22.619
these children I then have been told

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because I have a dear friend who at that

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point

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was the founding member of Cossack which

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became Autism Speaks and so she is very

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happy to tell me and when I brought Theo

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home and now she was a personal friend

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of mine

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she said my friend you are on the same

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journey I was she has a daughter who is

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has autism and same thing doctor tilting

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his head going maybe you need to have

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more discipline in your house and so

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having to endure a mother knowing

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there’s something else going on here

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but being told by experts that it’s you

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and the shame and the loneliness that

0:14:00.780,0:14:06.290
comes from that and how she then learned

0:14:03.510,0:14:09.090
and then there was a name for it and

0:14:06.290,0:14:10.760
very soon I believe that developmental

0:14:09.090,0:14:13.950
trauma is going to go in that same book

0:14:10.760,0:14:16.590
again the country’s already at a place

0:14:13.950,0:14:20.100
because the the term has been researched

0:14:16.590,0:14:23.250
enough as to be accepted as true and

0:14:20.100,0:14:25.230
that will change a lot for people but

0:14:23.250,0:14:27.840
those of us working in the sandbox

0:14:25.230,0:14:29.670
already we march forward and are able to

0:14:27.840,0:14:32.250
talk to people because of the plethora

0:14:29.670,0:14:33.840
of science very much like I learned from

0:14:32.250,0:14:35.340
those wonderful folks at Eden Institute

0:14:33.840,0:14:37.140
who had been doing this work for five

0:14:35.340,0:14:39.990
years and then finally were shouting it

0:14:37.140,0:14:43.770
from a mountaintop so it’s been a joy to

0:14:39.990,0:14:46.740
now have my own thing that I got to be a

0:14:43.770,0:14:49.980
part of bringing forward out into the

0:14:46.740,0:14:54.630
light so that no one else had to be told

0:14:49.980,0:14:55.980
like I was that you know maybe I didn’t

0:14:54.630,0:14:57.510
have enough discipline in my home I

0:14:55.980,0:14:59.280
remember when a doctor said that’s me

0:14:57.510,0:15:01.500
and Tiffany you know me well enough to

0:14:59.280,0:15:04.140
know that I might have I don’t want my

0:15:01.500,0:15:10.500
cool little because I did the whole I’m

0:15:04.140,0:15:12.630
huh behavior expert don’t tell me so you

0:15:10.500,0:15:14.280
out there who sometimes feel like it is

0:15:12.630,0:15:16.740
your fault because other people look at

0:15:14.280,0:15:19.230
you like you should just or the child

0:15:16.740,0:15:22.170
should just talk about the limbic system

0:15:19.230,0:15:25.740
it’s biology and it’s no one’s fault

0:15:22.170,0:15:28.440
yes and honestly I still have those

0:15:25.740,0:15:30.990
moments now I mean every once in a while

0:15:28.440,0:15:33.540
I still have those moments now not very

0:15:30.990,0:15:35.290
long ago I was in a room with a mental

0:15:33.540,0:15:39.670
health professional

0:15:35.290,0:15:42.610
and she started telling me that I needed

0:15:39.670,0:15:46.110
to parent differently than I’m parent

0:15:42.610,0:15:51.339
and I was like I actually said out loud

0:15:46.110,0:15:53.560
I’m not proud of this moment I actually

0:15:51.339,0:16:04.300
said out loud you don’t even want to

0:15:53.560,0:16:06.610
know what I do yeah yeah and again it’s

0:16:04.300,0:16:08.560
honestly and and in our country right

0:16:06.610,0:16:10.630
now not to open another whole can but

0:16:08.560,0:16:15.250
we’re still dealing with race problems

0:16:10.630,0:16:17.110
as a country we learn very slow I have a

0:16:15.250,0:16:19.930
lot of hope because we do learn and

0:16:17.110,0:16:23.410
sometimes a crisis occurs we learn from

0:16:19.930,0:16:26.620
it and we move on to the pandemic as

0:16:23.410,0:16:28.389
well I don’t like to spend a lot of time

0:16:26.620,0:16:30.399
looking at fault but I do like to spend

0:16:28.389,0:16:32.350
a lot of time on learning from what has

0:16:30.399,0:16:34.089
happened and doing better and that’s

0:16:32.350,0:16:36.940
what I tell parents because I sometimes

0:16:34.089,0:16:41.980
have to tell teachers you can’t yell at

0:16:36.940,0:16:45.579
kids and I then say you know I was the I

0:16:41.980,0:16:47.170
talk loud so I would you know every once

0:16:45.579,0:16:51.399
in a while get very upset with my

0:16:47.170,0:16:54.209
students and so at home uh I was captain

0:16:51.399,0:16:57.730
of the yellers and I learned how to

0:16:54.209,0:17:00.699
express I’m very angry right now without

0:16:57.730,0:17:03.160
actually yelling finding out that I

0:17:00.699,0:17:07.720
could still be angry or sad or happy and

0:17:03.160,0:17:10.799
not yell because when I realized what

0:17:07.720,0:17:14.470
happened behind Theo’s eyes was terror

0:17:10.799,0:17:16.540
when my voice went up that’s enough to

0:17:14.470,0:17:17.980
Train anybody to stop doing it but

0:17:16.540,0:17:20.559
there’s a teacher sitting there in my

0:17:17.980,0:17:24.089
workshop going oh no I’m horrible

0:17:20.559,0:17:28.809
teacher I’ve been yelling for years okay

0:17:24.089,0:17:30.400
notice it live learn I’m one of my

0:17:28.809,0:17:33.070
favorite sayings is you don’t know what

0:17:30.400,0:17:36.429
you don’t know until you know it right

0:17:33.070,0:17:39.400
right so you can’t beat yourself up for

0:17:36.429,0:17:41.770
what you didn’t know yesterday and I did

0:17:39.400,0:17:43.990
want to I did want to talk with you

0:17:41.770,0:17:45.429
today a little bit about all that’s

0:17:43.990,0:17:46.400
going on in the world right now

0:17:45.429,0:17:49.340
around

0:17:46.400,0:17:53.360
Reis and schools and all of this I think

0:17:49.340,0:17:57.340
it’s so hard right now to be a school

0:17:53.360,0:18:01.550
and to be working through all of those

0:17:57.340,0:18:04.430
all of those issues right now so so

0:18:01.550,0:18:07.760
addressing that and the trauma behind

0:18:04.430,0:18:09.860
that and I mean all of it I I wanted to

0:18:07.760,0:18:11.570
there were a couple of things that I

0:18:09.860,0:18:13.460
wanted to go into with you but I think

0:18:11.570,0:18:17.950
that the first thing I wanted to talk

0:18:13.460,0:18:22.400
about for sure is really getting into

0:18:17.950,0:18:24.770
what it means to in an educational

0:18:22.400,0:18:28.100
setting what it means to educate a child

0:18:24.770,0:18:30.260
with significant trauma related needs

0:18:28.100,0:18:36.110
because when we look at trauma-sensitive

0:18:30.260,0:18:38.600
schools and then we look at educating a

0:18:36.110,0:18:42.170
child with specifically significant

0:18:38.600,0:18:46.670
trauma related needs you know that’s a

0:18:42.170,0:18:48.770
kind of a nuanced thing right yeah I get

0:18:46.670,0:18:51.200
the child with significant trauma

0:18:48.770,0:18:54.020
interestingly enough and now one of the

0:18:51.200,0:18:55.640
reasons why I’m happy we couldn’t get

0:18:54.020,0:18:58.460
together today because suddenly I am

0:18:55.640,0:19:00.770
slammed with can you do a webinar can

0:18:58.460,0:19:01.910
you talk virtually to our staff about

0:19:00.770,0:19:04.190
cultural competence

0:19:01.910,0:19:07.070
what does implicit bias mean what does

0:19:04.190,0:19:08.450
white power or privilege mean and the

0:19:07.070,0:19:11.960
reason that they’re calling me is

0:19:08.450,0:19:14.840
because it’s the same journey it is

0:19:11.960,0:19:17.450
being able to recognize that children

0:19:14.840,0:19:19.160
are so much more than what you see on

0:19:17.450,0:19:21.350
the outside just like my principal

0:19:19.160,0:19:25.750
learned about that young man Anthony if

0:19:21.350,0:19:30.350
you take your invisible backpack and

0:19:25.750,0:19:32.090
Peggy McDonald’s she coined that term

0:19:30.350,0:19:33.740
anyway I want to give her credit her

0:19:32.090,0:19:35.840
last name starts with an M but it might

0:19:33.740,0:19:38.720
be McIntosh it’s an M AC something

0:19:35.840,0:19:40.130
anyway so invisible backpack meaning

0:19:38.720,0:19:42.740
everything that happened to you from

0:19:40.130,0:19:44.809
conception goes in that backpack and

0:19:42.740,0:19:47.990
frames what you see when you look out

0:19:44.809,0:19:51.050
your eyes and so my principle in that

0:19:47.990,0:19:53.720
scenario what had been working for 15

0:19:51.050,0:19:55.850
years with high school students and so

0:19:53.720,0:19:59.360
had seen a lot of behavior that looked

0:19:55.850,0:19:59.600
like what Anthony was doing that the for

0:19:59.360,0:20:03.140
who

0:19:59.600,0:20:05.720
motivation was disrespect or frustration

0:20:03.140,0:20:08.510
or anger which of course was not the

0:20:05.720,0:20:13.130
motivation for Anthony at all it was

0:20:08.510,0:20:15.830
simply his response to stimulus so I say

0:20:13.130,0:20:19.809
the same thing about the journey into

0:20:15.830,0:20:22.429
where do I stand on race and ethnicity

0:20:19.809,0:20:24.140
first of all I encourage you to learn

0:20:22.429,0:20:25.250
what those terms mean there’s tons of

0:20:24.140,0:20:25.970
stuff out there right now it’s all

0:20:25.250,0:20:28.450
popping up

0:20:25.970,0:20:30.770
what is racism because we have

0:20:28.450,0:20:33.140
institutional racism in American schools

0:20:30.770,0:20:35.179
and what you learn about that is it’s

0:20:33.140,0:20:36.409
implicit and what that means is nobody

0:20:35.179,0:20:39.590
wakes up in the morning and does it on

0:20:36.409,0:20:43.429
purpose right but a good example of this

0:20:39.590,0:20:45.470
is if you can remember the history that

0:20:43.429,0:20:47.510
you learned starting from elementary

0:20:45.470,0:20:49.220
school where you had a little

0:20:47.510,0:20:51.530
Thanksgiving maybe in the cafeteria in

0:20:49.220,0:20:54.460
your classroom because the Indians and

0:20:51.530,0:20:56.870
the pilgrims got along so well okay

0:20:54.460,0:20:59.059
that’s that’s not really what happened

0:20:56.870,0:21:01.220
no no no I think we should undo

0:20:59.059,0:21:03.440
Thanksgiving personally no I let’s all

0:21:01.220,0:21:06.140
give thanks for a day I I think is a

0:21:03.440,0:21:07.760
great idea but we need to tell the truth

0:21:06.140,0:21:10.070
to our children as is developmentally

0:21:07.760,0:21:13.159
appropriate we need to tell the children

0:21:10.070,0:21:15.200
that the Pilgrims were starving and that

0:21:13.159,0:21:18.110
the First Nations were showing them how

0:21:15.200,0:21:20.000
to eat the food that was around them so

0:21:18.110,0:21:21.559
it’s still a lesson that needs to be

0:21:20.000,0:21:24.650
learned but what a different message

0:21:21.559,0:21:26.720
that is absolutely and we need to look

0:21:24.650,0:21:28.970
at slavery and we need to look at the

0:21:26.720,0:21:31.490
fact that our colonizers in this country

0:21:28.970,0:21:34.159
committed genocide yes it’s tried to

0:21:31.490,0:21:36.500
wipe out the indigenous people right and

0:21:34.159,0:21:39.110
we can look at that particulars you get

0:21:36.500,0:21:43.730
on into high school I think kids can

0:21:39.110,0:21:46.549
look at that yes because we also when

0:21:43.730,0:21:49.190
Vietnam happened and and I was having a

0:21:46.549,0:21:51.260
college course post just post Vietnam

0:21:49.190,0:21:56.510
the course was really about the mistakes

0:21:51.260,0:21:58.490
that we made in that police action which

0:21:56.510,0:22:01.220
they still don’t categorize as a war so

0:21:58.490,0:22:03.169
we have been able to sometimes look at

0:22:01.220,0:22:05.270
the hard truth and tell it and I think

0:22:03.169,0:22:07.760
one of the things schools can do is look

0:22:05.270,0:22:11.419
back at that that I think will help

0:22:07.760,0:22:13.340
further an understanding now same thing

0:22:11.419,0:22:15.650
children with trauma

0:22:13.340,0:22:19.400
that’s why I’m a big fan of this is a

0:22:15.650,0:22:21.920
tier one intervention that means it’s

0:22:19.400,0:22:23.420
it’s like the oxygen when you walk into

0:22:21.920,0:22:25.460
a school everybody can breathe the air

0:22:23.420,0:22:29.330
nobody has to ask or get a pass or pass

0:22:25.460,0:22:30.590
test it’s there for all because my my

0:22:29.330,0:22:32.840
favorite thing to tell teachers

0:22:30.590,0:22:36.080
trauma-informed education is not one

0:22:32.840,0:22:38.030
more thing it’s the only thing just like

0:22:36.080,0:22:40.670
understanding and digging into your own

0:22:38.030,0:22:43.430
implicit bias and I feel like all new

0:22:40.670,0:22:45.440
teacher trainings need to start with we

0:22:43.430,0:22:46.730
are a trauma-informed school you need to

0:22:45.440,0:22:49.610
understand what trauma does to the brain

0:22:46.730,0:22:53.360
and then do this for all students

0:22:49.610,0:22:56.510
because trauma-informed education makes

0:22:53.360,0:22:58.580
for better students without trauma so

0:22:56.510,0:23:00.110
you don’t have to learn it’s not about

0:22:58.580,0:23:03.230
learning how to identify all the kids

0:23:00.110,0:23:06.470
with trauma absolutely seeing behaviors

0:23:03.230,0:23:09.350
from a place of this is all I have for

0:23:06.470,0:23:11.300
you not well that’s okay if you have

0:23:09.350,0:23:13.640
trauma but if you don’t suck it up

0:23:11.300,0:23:15.830
buttercup and get over it absolutely I

0:23:13.640,0:23:18.350
thing is it looks like you are

0:23:15.830,0:23:21.440
struggling how can I help works even if

0:23:18.350,0:23:23.270
the child has had for 15 years all that

0:23:21.440,0:23:26.300
they’ve needed oh absolutely

0:23:23.270,0:23:28.460
food all the shell turnover love their

0:23:26.300,0:23:31.450
struggling even a child without drama

0:23:28.460,0:23:35.210
who suddenly acts out or withdraws the

0:23:31.450,0:23:37.030
same coin different side we need to a

0:23:35.210,0:23:39.320
person say how can we help you and

0:23:37.030,0:23:40.520
that’s where regulation is such an

0:23:39.320,0:23:43.730
important part of trauma-informed

0:23:40.520,0:23:45.710
education we as human beings need to

0:23:43.730,0:23:47.600
look inside ourselves we need to find

0:23:45.710,0:23:51.230
out what our own exposure to adverse

0:23:47.600,0:23:54.590
experiences check out our own biases

0:23:51.230,0:23:56.540
because we all have them and you don’t

0:23:54.590,0:23:58.880
need to be ashamed you just read a bunch

0:23:56.540,0:24:01.100
of books one of the books that really

0:23:58.880,0:24:04.100
got to me interestingly enough I give a

0:24:01.100,0:24:09.050
shout out to Jody Pico fiction write

0:24:04.100,0:24:12.320
small great things it’s a story about a

0:24:09.050,0:24:14.360
woman who is a African American and

0:24:12.320,0:24:15.890
she’s working as a nurse and something

0:24:14.360,0:24:21.680
happens and she finds herself in court

0:24:15.890,0:24:25.550
and her lawyer is white and I got

0:24:21.680,0:24:27.080
pinched a couple of times because I felt

0:24:25.550,0:24:28.610
because the lawyer was

0:24:27.080,0:24:30.590
was really exploring her own implicit

0:24:28.610,0:24:33.769
bias at by way of serving this woman

0:24:30.590,0:24:36.919
properly and the woman really speaking

0:24:33.769,0:24:38.510
for at least speaking as a person of

0:24:36.919,0:24:42.769
color I don’t want to say she spoke for

0:24:38.510,0:24:45.500
all people of color but so start and

0:24:42.769,0:24:47.240
read that book especially if you are and

0:24:45.500,0:24:51.350
honestly I have had people of color tell

0:24:47.240,0:24:55.429
me it pinched them sometimes too so read

0:24:51.350,0:24:57.950
read savage inequalities read white

0:24:55.429,0:24:59.539
fragility if you are a white woman and

0:24:57.950,0:25:02.409
you’re educating the children of color

0:24:59.539,0:25:05.389
read white women teaching black boys

0:25:02.409,0:25:06.919
because the bottom ranking your

0:25:05.389,0:25:09.620
experience in the world if you’re a

0:25:06.919,0:25:12.110
white woman is not anything like your

0:25:09.620,0:25:16.159
twelve-year-old black boy student same

0:25:12.110,0:25:18.950
thing white gender is different boys and

0:25:16.159,0:25:21.830
most of us know boys are not the same as

0:25:18.950,0:25:23.750
girls right I was raised in a house with

0:25:21.830,0:25:26.419
three girls I have two sisters and my

0:25:23.750,0:25:30.320
mother single mom it was a dorm of women

0:25:26.419,0:25:32.600
yes my husband was like this just being

0:25:30.320,0:25:34.399
from another planet it took me the

0:25:32.600,0:25:38.539
longest time to understand how much of

0:25:34.399,0:25:43.309
it was just the white chromosome and

0:25:38.539,0:25:45.529
then having two boys and my husband you

0:25:43.309,0:25:47.360
know I’m all broken up and crying

0:25:45.529,0:25:48.950
because they need to get along and they

0:25:47.360,0:25:50.539
just beat the heck out of each other in

0:25:48.950,0:25:55.340
the backyard my husband’s gone they’re

0:25:50.539,0:25:58.309
boys I don’t like what so that’s how

0:25:55.340,0:26:01.220
elemental it is to all of us we can only

0:25:58.309,0:26:04.250
know what we know so if you don’t have a

0:26:01.220,0:26:07.490
history of poverty read a book Jeannette

0:26:04.250,0:26:08.299
Walls has a great book she tells her own

0:26:07.490,0:26:11.600
true story

0:26:08.299,0:26:14.299
sissy White’s great blog where sissy had

0:26:11.600,0:26:17.149
tremendous poverty lots of aces and now

0:26:14.299,0:26:20.090
cancer and battling it all bravely for

0:26:17.149,0:26:21.919
all to learn from listen to somebody who

0:26:20.090,0:26:23.090
grew up in poverty so that you can

0:26:21.919,0:26:25.880
understand those students better

0:26:23.090,0:26:29.809
whatever your color is read anything you

0:26:25.880,0:26:33.620
can about people of other colors and I

0:26:29.809,0:26:35.899
think what you’re saying is I think it

0:26:33.620,0:26:38.600
comes down to two things I love Laura

0:26:35.899,0:26:39.710
Porter says two things that I think are

0:26:38.600,0:26:42.600
so

0:26:39.710,0:26:44.340
just get me every single time in fact

0:26:42.600,0:26:47.910
I’ve made a slide that I use all the

0:26:44.340,0:26:51.630
time her quote all trauma-informed care

0:26:47.910,0:26:53.130
is really about noticing and I think

0:26:51.630,0:26:57.660
that it really comes down to that

0:26:53.130,0:27:02.300
listening and noticing right you don’t

0:26:57.660,0:27:04.920
know about something listen right and

0:27:02.300,0:27:07.950
recognize where you come from because

0:27:04.920,0:27:10.260
you need to recognize well I do this

0:27:07.950,0:27:11.820
activity when I train teachers it’s it’s

0:27:10.260,0:27:15.360
cute little thing and I show this video

0:27:11.820,0:27:17.370
of a child you know having a challenge

0:27:15.360,0:27:19.650
with this behavior it’s actually fairly

0:27:17.370,0:27:25.080
humorous and light but you know he’s

0:27:19.650,0:27:27.570
he’s pitching a fit and so and he’s a

0:27:25.080,0:27:29.790
white boy and then we talk and the

0:27:27.570,0:27:30.810
teachers talk in pairs what did you see

0:27:29.790,0:27:33.930
that John you hear people on

0:27:30.810,0:27:35.690
manipulating lying right many where

0:27:33.930,0:27:38.270
other people going I think he’s scared

0:27:35.690,0:27:41.880
right it depends on where you come from

0:27:38.270,0:27:45.510
then I showed a very similar video with

0:27:41.880,0:27:47.520
a child of color and then because you do

0:27:45.510,0:27:49.440
in the room you hear white people seeing

0:27:47.520,0:27:51.870
that be same behavior more aggressively

0:27:49.440,0:27:55.500
there’s so much research on that and

0:27:51.870,0:27:58.290
it’s really just a function of vision

0:27:55.500,0:28:01.470
right under your eyeballs seeing things

0:27:58.290,0:28:03.270
yes and and it can build implicit bias

0:28:01.470,0:28:06.000
if you’re not careful and you don’t know

0:28:03.270,0:28:07.890
it so again if you didn’t grow up with

0:28:06.000,0:28:09.750
trauma and even if you did you need to

0:28:07.890,0:28:12.690
recognize how it’s impacted your

0:28:09.750,0:28:16.140
neurobiology and if you didn’t learn

0:28:12.690,0:28:18.600
that because when you learn about the

0:28:16.140,0:28:20.760
children in front of you your natural

0:28:18.600,0:28:22.860
abilities and creativity as a teacher

0:28:20.760,0:28:25.910
will take over and you will be

0:28:22.860,0:28:30.450
trauma-informed and and I think that

0:28:25.910,0:28:34.050
that a perfect example of that when my

0:28:30.450,0:28:39.240
daughter my daughter had a lot of

0:28:34.050,0:28:43.110
behavior that was we early on we used

0:28:39.240,0:28:46.200
the word manipulative a lot manipulative

0:28:43.110,0:28:49.890
was a label that we put on her behavior

0:28:46.200,0:28:51.900
often and it was it really took the

0:28:49.890,0:28:55.170
neuro sequential trauma assessment and

0:28:51.900,0:28:58.320
a lot of training for us to finally I

0:28:55.170,0:29:02.310
will never forget the sort of moment

0:28:58.320,0:29:07.290
that of clarity for me around the idea

0:29:02.310,0:29:10.980
that okay this word manipulative it’s

0:29:07.290,0:29:14.000
harming me and it’s harming her every

0:29:10.980,0:29:18.180
time I use it every time I think it

0:29:14.000,0:29:20.340
every time I it it really is damaging

0:29:18.180,0:29:23.340
both of us so we changed our language

0:29:20.340,0:29:26.430
and we change it now I have words for it

0:29:23.340,0:29:28.170
and I can say to my daughter now and it

0:29:26.430,0:29:32.940
what it did was trigger her threat

0:29:28.170,0:29:35.100
response every time I said it now I can

0:29:32.940,0:29:38.610
say to my daughter and she can actually

0:29:35.100,0:29:40.920
receive it your survival brain is

0:29:38.610,0:29:42.990
causing you to need to control the

0:29:40.920,0:29:45.440
outcome and that’s exactly what’s

0:29:42.990,0:29:48.750
happening and that is exactly what

0:29:45.440,0:29:50.880
manipulation is yes and I tell teachers

0:29:48.750,0:29:52.680
you know what I don’t want again I don’t

0:29:50.880,0:29:55.500
need to fill you with shame for using

0:29:52.680,0:29:56.880
that word and most teachers will use it

0:29:55.500,0:29:58.260
the faculty room from our to team

0:29:56.880,0:30:02.570
meeting not so much in front of the

0:29:58.260,0:30:05.430
child but the issue really is yes it is

0:30:02.570,0:30:07.560
manipulating what’s happening because

0:30:05.430,0:30:10.590
they are terrified and they feel like

0:30:07.560,0:30:13.680
they’re about to die so if you are on a

0:30:10.590,0:30:17.280
boat and it is leaking you manipulate

0:30:13.680,0:30:20.150
that situation by Elling the boat out by

0:30:17.280,0:30:22.680
trying to get to the side off the water

0:30:20.150,0:30:26.760
that’s exactly what these children are

0:30:22.680,0:30:29.190
doing but again the term is negative in

0:30:26.760,0:30:32.550
our society and so then I help people

0:30:29.190,0:30:36.150
understand lying stealing same thing and

0:30:32.550,0:30:38.640
then my favorite because I’ve done it

0:30:36.150,0:30:43.350
and I always set myself up to show folks

0:30:38.640,0:30:44.910
I’ve grown so far you’ve been to I was a

0:30:43.350,0:30:47.400
high school teacher a middle school

0:30:44.910,0:30:49.860
teacher at this point and walk around

0:30:47.400,0:30:51.630
class checking homework and there’s a

0:30:49.860,0:30:53.670
young man who hadn’t had this homework

0:30:51.630,0:30:56.400
for a couple days so I get he walk up

0:30:53.670,0:30:58.200
with the oh I hope he has it today thing

0:30:56.400,0:31:00.060
that good teachers do and sure enough

0:30:58.200,0:31:01.920
he’s looking you know picking his

0:31:00.060,0:31:05.670
fingers not there’s nothing on his desk

0:31:01.920,0:31:07.320
and so I said you know Jose

0:31:05.670,0:31:10.740
not his real name I just make names up

0:31:07.320,0:31:12.900
come on fuck my head Jose you’ve missed

0:31:10.740,0:31:14.120
five assignments and if you continue to

0:31:12.900,0:31:17.250
miss assignments gonna fail my class

0:31:14.120,0:31:20.340
says the caring teacher because I care

0:31:17.250,0:31:22.620
about Jose Theo taught me what Jose

0:31:20.340,0:31:25.580
hears is want want you’re a big loser

0:31:22.620,0:31:29.370
what won’t whine you might as well fail

0:31:25.580,0:31:31.920
now right I was not my intention course

0:31:29.370,0:31:33.900
how I have learned again whether Jose

0:31:31.920,0:31:36.270
has trauma are not irrelevant now what I

0:31:33.900,0:31:38.580
say is was hey this is your third missed

0:31:36.270,0:31:40.200
assignment can you see me later or you

0:31:38.580,0:31:42.300
know can we step out in the hall private

0:31:40.200,0:31:44.580
conversation what’s going on how can I

0:31:42.300,0:31:46.350
help I want you to be able to be

0:31:44.580,0:31:48.720
successful with your homework it doesn’t

0:31:46.350,0:31:50.640
feel good to not have it that’s a

0:31:48.720,0:31:52.800
completely different conversation well

0:31:50.640,0:31:56.070
what if they don’t have trauma same

0:31:52.800,0:31:57.540
conversation because what do we want we

0:31:56.070,0:32:00.030
want the child to do is home from work

0:31:57.540,0:32:01.370
and again we you and I could go on

0:32:00.030,0:32:06.570
forever

0:32:01.370,0:32:08.580
Russell Skiba Fonseca dr. fabulo Google

0:32:06.570,0:32:10.830
these names and read the fact that there

0:32:08.580,0:32:13.680
are 20 years of research that suspension

0:32:10.830,0:32:15.480
and detention hurts children and has

0:32:13.680,0:32:19.170
never in the history of that practice

0:32:15.480,0:32:21.600
helped a single child yes and I think

0:32:19.170,0:32:24.810
that something that what you just

0:32:21.600,0:32:27.090
brought up is something that I encounter

0:32:24.810,0:32:29.790
working with parents often is that

0:32:27.090,0:32:33.300
they’re an experienced as a parent

0:32:29.790,0:32:38.390
myself there’s this point where even

0:32:33.300,0:32:43.260
after learning you know this newer

0:32:38.390,0:32:46.010
approach and new new tools that you

0:32:43.260,0:32:49.260
start to get a little bit worried that

0:32:46.010,0:32:52.890
your trauma-informed compassionate

0:32:49.260,0:32:56.790
response is permissive right and then

0:32:52.890,0:33:01.560
you start to go okay well I called I

0:32:56.790,0:33:04.230
call BS right this is that was just

0:33:01.560,0:33:09.240
trying to get away with something and if

0:33:04.230,0:33:10.560
I don’t if there’s not a you know a you

0:33:09.240,0:33:13.440
know if I don’t approach it in a

0:33:10.560,0:33:16.860
punitive way then we’re gonna have a big

0:33:13.440,0:33:18.330
problem what do you say to that cuz I

0:33:16.860,0:33:21.330
know what I say

0:33:18.330,0:33:23.250
that it’s terrifying when you first

0:33:21.330,0:33:25.110
start to shift because again it is

0:33:23.250,0:33:27.630
happened in my own house

0:33:25.110,0:33:29.789
yes meet you because honestly and I tell

0:33:27.630,0:33:32.010
this story in my two of my books just

0:33:29.789,0:33:33.690
because it’s freaking adorable but I put

0:33:32.010,0:33:36.510
what did I do but I’m a great behavior

0:33:33.690,0:33:38.429
my person a student of BF Skinner and I

0:33:36.510,0:33:41.490
got this little boy who was terrorizing

0:33:38.429,0:33:43.440
my home little do you know just some of

0:33:41.490,0:33:44.539
his first English words were to call me

0:33:43.440,0:33:47.820
up poopy-head

0:33:44.539,0:33:49.649
what we’re dealing with so I get you

0:33:47.820,0:33:51.779
know cuz I know how to do this and I

0:33:49.649,0:33:53.850
calmly say you know Theo we’re gonna

0:33:51.779,0:33:57.059
really focus on the things you’re doing

0:33:53.850,0:33:58.320
well that Mommy wants you to do so I got

0:33:57.059,0:34:00.750
a little piece of construction paper

0:33:58.320,0:34:02.460
like I tore it into a quarter at first

0:34:00.750,0:34:04.470
and I got stickers that were really big

0:34:02.460,0:34:06.720
yeah give being success happens quickly

0:34:04.470,0:34:07.919
and every time he did what mommy asked

0:34:06.720,0:34:09.540
he got to put a sticker there it was on

0:34:07.919,0:34:12.089
the fridge where he could reach it yeah

0:34:09.540,0:34:13.740
and yeah once in a while when he was

0:34:12.089,0:34:15.450
frustrated little did I know he was it

0:34:13.740,0:34:17.899
was really a trauma loop he was in he

0:34:15.450,0:34:20.879
walked over to my $8,000,000 drapery

0:34:17.899,0:34:23.250
which kids these days are not putting up

0:34:20.879,0:34:26.159
in their homes and good for them and he

0:34:23.250,0:34:27.690
just yank on it and you know I try to

0:34:26.159,0:34:29.609
distract him and I try to give him other

0:34:27.690,0:34:32.520
things and sometimes I just pulled him

0:34:29.609,0:34:35.190
away and it was starting to come loose

0:34:32.520,0:34:38.690
and come loose and one day he just

0:34:35.190,0:34:41.280
yanked it and the whole the rigging

0:34:38.690,0:34:44.129
luckily he’s standing there plaster dust

0:34:41.280,0:34:46.740
it didn’t hit him in the head but I just

0:34:44.129,0:34:49.169
was like I’m out so I just walked away

0:34:46.740,0:34:50.790
like cuz I you know I couldn’t speak and

0:34:49.169,0:34:52.050
I went in the kitchen

0:34:50.790,0:34:54.649
I might have poured myself a little

0:34:52.050,0:34:57.660
liquid courage that was not coffee but

0:34:54.649,0:34:59.670
he comes into the kitchen you know just

0:34:57.660,0:35:04.430
beautiful little boy and he’s got a

0:34:59.670,0:35:09.599
stick his hand and he goes mama I do I

0:35:04.430,0:35:12.869
was like no no you don’t and he looked

0:35:09.599,0:35:15.180
at me paused walked over to the fridge

0:35:12.869,0:35:18.980
yanked that paper off crumpled and I put

0:35:15.180,0:35:20.720
in his mouth chewed it and swallowed it

0:35:18.980,0:35:23.839
there was a minute where I was like

0:35:20.720,0:35:25.790
sticker glue toxic I don’t know but I

0:35:23.839,0:35:27.530
watched him chew and swallow the whole

0:35:25.790,0:35:29.390
thing and I Brent

0:35:27.530,0:35:31.640
okay we’re gonna have to do this

0:35:29.390,0:35:34.849
together right what he’s telling me is

0:35:31.640,0:35:36.710
this doesn’t work for him yeah so one of

0:35:34.849,0:35:38.599
the things we do in schools is we keep

0:35:36.710,0:35:41.060
doing these things because it’s all we

0:35:38.599,0:35:42.349
know how to do but any teacher will tell

0:35:41.060,0:35:44.540
you there’s a little tightness that

0:35:42.349,0:35:46.310
happens in your stomach you’re afraid

0:35:44.540,0:35:49.160
maybe not afraid of the student but

0:35:46.310,0:35:53.089
honestly I have been afraid of students

0:35:49.160,0:35:56.089
and my son it’s okay to say that yes but

0:35:53.089,0:35:58.880
so you’re afraid it’s not going to work

0:35:56.089,0:36:02.420
so then you do more of it louder or

0:35:58.880,0:36:05.000
that’s it that’s six detentions because

0:36:02.420,0:36:07.760
you’re afraid of that chaos so what I

0:36:05.000,0:36:09.530
tell people is it does take try little

0:36:07.760,0:36:11.630
baby steps you don’t want to try this

0:36:09.530,0:36:13.280
first on the kid who’s you know and I

0:36:11.630,0:36:15.920
always say throwing chairs but not every

0:36:13.280,0:36:18.050
kid throws chairs Theo was a big chair

0:36:15.920,0:36:21.320
thrower from way back which is why I but

0:36:18.050,0:36:23.210
so the kids the kids stopped learning in

0:36:21.320,0:36:26.060
your classroom right whatever he’s doing

0:36:23.210,0:36:30.170
you can’t let it go on he won’t let

0:36:26.060,0:36:33.619
learning go on yelling cursing depending

0:36:30.170,0:36:35.089
on his age tantrum and on the floor you

0:36:33.619,0:36:36.710
know picking on other kids you all that

0:36:35.089,0:36:39.589
stuff where you finally can’t go on you

0:36:36.710,0:36:43.579
can’t ignore it anymore start with that

0:36:39.589,0:36:46.849
kid and just say this needs to stop it’s

0:36:43.579,0:36:50.420
okay to say whoa we’re gonna stop this

0:36:46.849,0:36:53.210
is not safe for any of us right so I

0:36:50.420,0:36:56.960
learned to say that even when I was

0:36:53.210,0:36:58.940
terrified you know and and I got a

0:36:56.960,0:37:00.770
called in to consult with a young man

0:36:58.940,0:37:03.890
who was new to a school middle school

0:37:00.770,0:37:06.740
and he just sometimes these kids the

0:37:03.890,0:37:09.440
poor thing he was a giant and I can’t

0:37:06.740,0:37:11.619
even imagine the man he is because he

0:37:09.440,0:37:14.030
was as tall as the assistant principal

0:37:11.619,0:37:18.170
probably going to be you know a six foot

0:37:14.030,0:37:19.849
seven full grown man so and that’s the

0:37:18.170,0:37:21.920
other thing it’s okay to recognize if

0:37:19.849,0:37:24.800
you’re a four foot two female teacher

0:37:21.920,0:37:27.500
and he’s already six foot and he’s

0:37:24.800,0:37:28.190
hormonal and he’s screaming that’s

0:37:27.500,0:37:31.430
terrifying

0:37:28.190,0:37:32.810
yes so I go they called me I happen to

0:37:31.430,0:37:34.520
be at another school in the district

0:37:32.810,0:37:36.230
I come driving over they wanted me to

0:37:34.520,0:37:38.150
see what was going on and I tell the

0:37:36.230,0:37:40.340
story I named him Wally not his real

0:37:38.150,0:37:42.620
name true student true story was not his

0:37:40.340,0:37:45.830
name’s Wally there’s Wally at the end of

0:37:42.620,0:37:48.770
the cafeteria beatin the heck out of the

0:37:45.830,0:37:50.030
Snapple machine but now if you can

0:37:48.770,0:37:53.450
imagine do you know those soda machines

0:37:50.030,0:37:55.550
have that plexiglass and he’s hit it so

0:37:53.450,0:37:57.590
hard that it’s cracking and his fist is

0:37:55.550,0:38:01.310
going through and he’s yanking it back

0:37:57.590,0:38:03.590
out so he’s scraping and bleeding and

0:38:01.310,0:38:05.450
he’s screaming and it’s a terrifying

0:38:03.590,0:38:07.700
sight now man already had the good

0:38:05.450,0:38:11.090
foresight to remove all the rest of the

0:38:07.700,0:38:12.650
children from that recess kids like we

0:38:11.090,0:38:15.290
don’t have recess you do today everybody

0:38:12.650,0:38:17.360
outside now you do yeah

0:38:15.290,0:38:20.420
and really what they wanted not you know

0:38:17.360,0:38:22.250
the two ministers happened to be men who

0:38:20.420,0:38:25.970
were you know large in their own right

0:38:22.250,0:38:27.560
and strong but what they you gotta love

0:38:25.970,0:38:30.590
people for trying they wanted to watch

0:38:27.560,0:38:33.530
me do this in a trauma-informed way so I

0:38:30.590,0:38:36.980
walked down there at about a six-foot

0:38:33.530,0:38:39.440
distance from him to be safe and then

0:38:36.980,0:38:41.960
stood at a place where he could see that

0:38:39.440,0:38:43.520
I was now standing on and he stops

0:38:41.960,0:38:46.130
punching this thing long enough to look

0:38:43.520,0:38:48.260
over at me and go you know for you

0:38:46.130,0:38:51.740
and then go back to it and I’m like you

0:38:48.260,0:38:54.110
know hi Wally I’m Melissa you know they

0:38:51.740,0:38:56.960
called me this is you know this here is

0:38:54.110,0:38:59.390
kind of a problem you know again he’s a

0:38:56.960,0:39:01.970
hurt man so he’s like what’s it to eff

0:38:59.390,0:39:04.670
and you know and go away and he’s still

0:39:01.970,0:39:09.620
taken out on a Snapple machine and I

0:39:04.670,0:39:11.510
just said she’s that’s too bad and again

0:39:09.620,0:39:12.950
I wasn’t yelling I wasn’t if you punched

0:39:11.510,0:39:15.020
that one more time you can’t destroy

0:39:12.950,0:39:18.050
school property all these things that I

0:39:15.020,0:39:20.960
said before I learned how to do this he

0:39:18.050,0:39:22.580
stopped and he finally just like what is

0:39:20.960,0:39:23.090
your deal why are you still standing

0:39:22.580,0:39:27.320
here

0:39:23.090,0:39:29.650
and I looked in when I said because I

0:39:27.320,0:39:34.730
wanted a Snapple

0:39:29.650,0:39:36.680
and he chuckled and uh sadly before I

0:39:34.730,0:39:40.220
can stop me he reached into the broken

0:39:36.680,0:39:42.200
machine I mean got one out and handed it

0:39:40.220,0:39:45.100
to me and you know I unscrewed that

0:39:42.200,0:39:48.820
thing and drank from it right

0:39:45.100,0:39:50.860
but teachers are like you know if you go

0:39:48.820,0:39:55.210
out at that calm you’re telling Wally

0:39:50.860,0:39:56.110
it’s okay no no part of Wally thinks

0:39:55.210,0:39:58.870
it’s okay

0:39:56.110,0:40:02.020
to destroy the Snapple machine the child

0:39:58.870,0:40:04.540
was hijacked by the survival brain just

0:40:02.020,0:40:06.640
like when faith was manipulating you

0:40:04.540,0:40:08.500
exactly some kids will put their head

0:40:06.640,0:40:10.990
down on the desk and literally like not

0:40:08.500,0:40:13.930
lifted even if you tried they’re there

0:40:10.990,0:40:15.760
in flight so Wally was actually in

0:40:13.930,0:40:18.160
flight he just couldn’t take it anymore

0:40:15.760,0:40:20.530
and had to let the steam off somehow

0:40:18.160,0:40:22.570
well long story short Wally

0:40:20.530,0:40:23.770
started a school collection cuz now

0:40:22.570,0:40:25.540
you’ve got middle school kids who are

0:40:23.770,0:40:28.390
like terrified of this kid so how is he

0:40:25.540,0:40:32.140
gonna make friends he’s new also once

0:40:28.390,0:40:34.870
you dig in he’s on his sixth school he

0:40:32.140,0:40:38.080
was expelled from two of them his mother

0:40:34.870,0:40:40.150
just kept you know moving him when he

0:40:38.080,0:40:42.520
you know got so many points that and he

0:40:40.150,0:40:44.680
wasn’t allowed to come to school and

0:40:42.520,0:40:47.080
when we finally sat down with her and

0:40:44.680,0:40:49.810
again parents you know this you’re

0:40:47.080,0:40:52.120
defensive you’re upset you know you just

0:40:49.810,0:40:54.840
keep giving my kid discipline and you’re

0:40:52.120,0:40:57.580
not helping him and I can’t help him oh

0:40:54.840,0:41:00.940
you know we were like you know dear mrs.

0:40:57.580,0:41:03.790
Wally we want to help you and Wally and

0:41:00.940,0:41:05.830
we’re not gonna punish Wally but we’re

0:41:03.790,0:41:09.040
gonna give him a chance to fix what he

0:41:05.830,0:41:11.980
broke because that’s where resilience

0:41:09.040,0:41:13.240
gets built exactly when while he found

0:41:11.980,0:41:15.850
out that he wasn’t going to get

0:41:13.240,0:41:17.290
suspended and I actually brokered a

0:41:15.850,0:41:18.460
relationship with him in the assistant

0:41:17.290,0:41:20.410
principal because again now I’m not

0:41:18.460,0:41:22.300
gonna be back tomorrow morning and I

0:41:20.410,0:41:24.550
wanted somebody he would see every day

0:41:22.300,0:41:27.340
to start to connect with him he did a

0:41:24.550,0:41:29.230
collection and the parent-teacher

0:41:27.340,0:41:30.970
organization helped him and he raised

0:41:29.230,0:41:33.640
the money for a new Snapple machine and

0:41:30.970,0:41:35.710
then he sat next to this Apple machine

0:41:33.640,0:41:37.450
for the rest of his years at that school

0:41:35.710,0:41:38.020
and he took your money and bought your

0:41:37.450,0:41:39.130
Snapple

0:41:38.020,0:41:44.220
you don’t want anybody wrecked the

0:41:39.130,0:41:48.450
machine I love that and I and that is

0:41:44.220,0:41:52.720
connection break repair right there and

0:41:48.450,0:41:55.150
the and teaching our kids that have

0:41:52.720,0:41:57.970
difficulty with relationships that

0:41:55.150,0:42:01.119
relationships are repairable

0:41:57.970,0:42:04.270
even when they their system gets

0:42:01.119,0:42:07.720
hijacked and they had some big thing and

0:42:04.270,0:42:10.810
in that moment that you explained what I

0:42:07.720,0:42:14.050
love so much is what you did was

0:42:10.810,0:42:17.590
communicate to him you are human even

0:42:14.050,0:42:20.200
though you’ve had this big big reaction

0:42:17.590,0:42:22.510
this big feeling flood this big reaction

0:42:20.200,0:42:24.820
you are still human I’m not gonna run

0:42:22.510,0:42:26.980
from you I’m not gonna keep proximity

0:42:24.820,0:42:30.010
I’m gonna help you feel safe and I’m

0:42:26.980,0:42:32.200
gonna still treat you like a person

0:42:30.010,0:42:35.800
gonna be here till we work this out

0:42:32.200,0:42:37.660
Wally that was my message with my hands

0:42:35.800,0:42:39.220
at my sides which is hard for me because

0:42:37.660,0:42:41.349
I’m more comfortable with crossed arms

0:42:39.220,0:42:44.590
but I know that that communicates you

0:42:41.349,0:42:47.770
know frustration and power so I work

0:42:44.590,0:42:50.349
hard to keep them at my side but the

0:42:47.770,0:42:52.180
other thing is when you teach parents

0:42:50.349,0:42:54.540
and teachers this concept of

0:42:52.180,0:42:58.300
particularly for children of trauma that

0:42:54.540,0:43:02.609
inside the fabric of who they are is

0:42:58.300,0:43:08.130
first of all way behind in age but also

0:43:02.609,0:43:11.619
filled with like genetic sense of

0:43:08.130,0:43:13.990
worthlessness right no it’s not

0:43:11.619,0:43:17.320
cognitive I’m no good it’s like

0:43:13.990,0:43:20.140
breathing I’m no good I am unworthy for

0:43:17.320,0:43:22.720
Theo as explained by the therapist that

0:43:20.140,0:43:25.570
saved my life he wakes up every morning

0:43:22.720,0:43:29.950
in his brain reprocesses the separation

0:43:25.570,0:43:32.560
from his birth mother and so basically

0:43:29.950,0:43:35.260
the fabric of Theo was of course I’m in

0:43:32.560,0:43:38.140
trouble I’m unworthy of course you know

0:43:35.260,0:43:40.000
I’m I’m no good so you actually have to

0:43:38.140,0:43:42.460
I said this to my son and I said it to

0:43:40.000,0:43:44.349
students I I refuse to give up on you

0:43:42.460,0:43:46.300
even if you give up on yourself I’m not

0:43:44.349,0:43:50.290
gonna do it you can’t chase me away I

0:43:46.300,0:43:51.970
won’t be driven away and they look like

0:43:50.290,0:43:55.000
they want to drive you away in some

0:43:51.970,0:43:57.220
cases either by refusing to speak at all

0:43:55.000,0:43:58.690
or by speaking way too much in words

0:43:57.220,0:44:01.599
when no one wants to hear and their

0:43:58.690,0:44:06.640
entire system is telling them to drive

0:44:01.599,0:44:08.800
you away right and dangerous right and I

0:44:06.640,0:44:10.309
think what’s so important what I know

0:44:08.800,0:44:11.930
for me was

0:44:10.309,0:44:14.829
important to understand and what I work

0:44:11.930,0:44:18.949
really hard with with parents and and

0:44:14.829,0:44:20.959
everybody to understand is that that and

0:44:18.949,0:44:24.259
I think it’s hard to understand once

0:44:20.959,0:44:27.499
kids start to have some periods of more

0:44:24.259,0:44:34.489
regulate more regulated periods is that

0:44:27.499,0:44:37.329
in regulation they do start to feel you

0:44:34.489,0:44:40.039
know safer and more okay but in those

0:44:37.329,0:44:43.009
dysregulated moments and escalated and

0:44:40.039,0:44:45.739
dysregulated moments that comes flooding

0:44:43.009,0:44:49.130
back that all of those feelings of

0:44:45.739,0:44:51.469
worthlessness feelings of of total

0:44:49.130,0:44:54.650
rejection everything they ever felt

0:44:51.469,0:44:57.229
comes flooding back and it’s really true

0:44:54.650,0:44:59.449
for all of us that happens for all of us

0:44:57.229,0:45:02.779
when any of us are dysregulated we all

0:44:59.449,0:45:06.199
revert to our least the least we think

0:45:02.779,0:45:08.209
of ourselves in those most and if you

0:45:06.199,0:45:10.789
can put yourself in that moment even if

0:45:08.209,0:45:13.160
you’re not a child if you are a child

0:45:10.789,0:45:16.069
who now you can identify might have had

0:45:13.160,0:45:18.079
separation might have been hurt or not

0:45:16.069,0:45:19.969
gotten what you need cuz let’s keep in

0:45:18.079,0:45:22.249
mind trauma isn’t only someone’s fault

0:45:19.969,0:45:24.380
it’s another thing I love about the new

0:45:22.249,0:45:25.219
definition child abuse always was

0:45:24.380,0:45:27.380
someone’s fault

0:45:25.219,0:45:30.259
by definition someone was losing a child

0:45:27.380,0:45:32.449
trauma is yes physical and emotional and

0:45:30.259,0:45:35.089
sexual abuse but it’s so much more it’s

0:45:32.449,0:45:37.429
poverty it’s being in an under resourced

0:45:35.089,0:45:39.829
community it’s right so it doesn’t

0:45:37.429,0:45:42.650
always mean that you’re a bad mother or

0:45:39.829,0:45:44.959
that as a from an educator standpoint

0:45:42.650,0:45:48.019
that the child’s parents don’t love them

0:45:44.959,0:45:52.309
right so it’s a wonderful word that

0:45:48.019,0:45:55.939
needs to be above and beyond blame but

0:45:52.309,0:45:58.009
the point is that even if you don’t have

0:45:55.939,0:46:00.499
trauma being able to put yourself

0:45:58.009,0:46:04.579
carefully into a place where you think

0:46:00.499,0:46:06.109
for example I I was a library aide

0:46:04.579,0:46:08.089
during high school was like you know

0:46:06.109,0:46:10.609
senior year I got a couple credits and I

0:46:08.089,0:46:14.779
you know ice shelves books but I was

0:46:10.609,0:46:16.130
cutting those big note cards the

0:46:14.779,0:46:21.279
librarian asked me to cut them all in

0:46:16.130,0:46:23.900
half so I put too many on the stack and

0:46:21.279,0:46:26.569
using the paper cutter I cut my

0:46:23.900,0:46:30.260
finger off it’s actually still you know

0:46:26.569,0:46:33.170
I’m shorter than the other one so yeah I

0:46:30.260,0:46:36.890
see paper cutters and like my teeth

0:46:33.170,0:46:40.480
start to hurt I so some people can

0:46:36.890,0:46:43.309
identify with nails on a chalkboard

0:46:40.480,0:46:45.260
right another one where even just

0:46:43.309,0:46:48.710
talking about it my my gums are tingling

0:46:45.260,0:46:53.260
and yet if you locked me in a room with

0:46:48.710,0:46:57.349
someone with a chalkboard and a fork I

0:46:53.260,0:46:58.460
would either freeze try to withdraw and

0:46:57.349,0:47:01.279
pretend it wasn’t happening

0:46:58.460,0:47:03.500
I would flee bust out of the room or I

0:47:01.279,0:47:06.730
would fight grab the fork and stab the

0:47:03.500,0:47:11.510
person right what I will never do

0:47:06.730,0:47:15.980
hundred years is get over my response to

0:47:11.510,0:47:17.480
that sound and I will never get over the

0:47:15.980,0:47:21.380
fact that paper cutters make me very

0:47:17.480,0:47:23.180
nervous yes seven strategies for yes I

0:47:21.380,0:47:26.390
step on a teacher or we get paper

0:47:23.180,0:47:28.789
cutters in the building so I have

0:47:26.390,0:47:31.369
learned to let other people operate them

0:47:28.789,0:47:33.319
now they actually have those finger

0:47:31.369,0:47:34.730
guards on them so that you can’t slide

0:47:33.319,0:47:38.539
your finger all the way up to the blade

0:47:34.730,0:47:41.720
but I have learned strategies and that’s

0:47:38.539,0:47:45.470
resilience I have adapted but it hasn’t

0:47:41.720,0:47:47.720
gone away for me right we have to

0:47:45.470,0:47:51.410
remember that about all people and again

0:47:47.720,0:47:56.690
crossing back over children of color if

0:47:51.410,0:47:59.150
you live in Minneapolis and you are an 8

0:47:56.690,0:48:01.190
year old child of color even if you

0:47:59.150,0:48:03.740
weren’t out on the street and and have

0:48:01.190,0:48:05.930
not been exposed to ongoing news loops

0:48:03.740,0:48:10.789
if you know what happened to George

0:48:05.930,0:48:13.609
Floyd that’s a trauma to you so same

0:48:10.789,0:48:16.789
thing poverty which cuts across all

0:48:13.609,0:48:20.380
colors and non colors but it’s that’s

0:48:16.789,0:48:24.650
why these things you have to recognize

0:48:20.380,0:48:27.920
that trauma can be anything that makes

0:48:24.650,0:48:29.329
you afraid and repeats it will change

0:48:27.920,0:48:31.940
the way your brain grows so you don’t

0:48:29.329,0:48:33.619
get to judge what’s what one person’s

0:48:31.940,0:48:35.359
trauma might not be another person’s

0:48:33.619,0:48:37.580
trauma and that leads to the pandemic

0:48:35.359,0:48:39.350
which end & floody have come out

0:48:37.580,0:48:42.530
written papers it’s an ace it’s an

0:48:39.350,0:48:46.390
address so we all get to unite in that

0:48:42.530,0:48:49.910
one and add it to our growing list but I

0:48:46.390,0:48:51.560
have a friend who like I actually did an

0:48:49.910,0:48:53.810
intervention the other day because she

0:48:51.560,0:48:55.370
has struggled with addiction in the past

0:48:53.810,0:48:58.130
and she goes to meetings all the time

0:48:55.370,0:49:01.580
without meetings without anyone coming

0:48:58.130,0:49:06.110
in to check on her her addiction took

0:49:01.580,0:49:09.650
over right and so I went and I busted in

0:49:06.110,0:49:12.080
and I was like I am here for you know so

0:49:09.650,0:49:14.420
the pandemic hasn’t had that impact on

0:49:12.080,0:49:18.020
me but that doesn’t mean I’m less or

0:49:14.420,0:49:20.630
more than my friend exactly and it’s

0:49:18.020,0:49:23.750
that’s that’s the bottom line for all of

0:49:20.630,0:49:25.400
this find out who you are what makes up

0:49:23.750,0:49:27.170
so now I know about nails on a

0:49:25.400,0:49:30.230
chalkboard and sometimes when Theo

0:49:27.170,0:49:32.510
responds in counterintuitive or

0:49:30.230,0:49:34.370
unproductive ways and he’s 22 he’s a

0:49:32.510,0:49:36.140
young adult I just say now is gonna

0:49:34.370,0:49:40.280
chalkboard nails on a chalkboard he

0:49:36.140,0:49:42.590
can’t not acknowledge that stressor and

0:49:40.280,0:49:46.360
it makes me patient and it makes me

0:49:42.590,0:49:51.020
helpful it has to start with us

0:49:46.360,0:49:53.300
absolutely and and going back to the

0:49:51.020,0:49:55.130
pandemic in response to the pandemic I

0:49:53.300,0:49:58.700
know that you have a conference that

0:49:55.130,0:50:00.110
you’re doing here coming up soon do you

0:49:58.700,0:50:02.750
want to talk a little bit about that

0:50:00.110,0:50:05.390
about what you’re doing what you have

0:50:02.750,0:50:07.760
coming up I’ve been doing some work for

0:50:05.390,0:50:11.660
national school boards and I just did a

0:50:07.760,0:50:14.740
podcast BlogTalkRadio for New Jersey

0:50:11.660,0:50:17.900
school boards I’m a school board member

0:50:14.740,0:50:20.860
for you know we’re create trying to

0:50:17.900,0:50:22.580
create manuals guides that

0:50:20.860,0:50:24.920
administrative superintendents

0:50:22.580,0:50:28.100
principals can use to start to figure

0:50:24.920,0:50:29.930
out what September looks like so for the

0:50:28.100,0:50:32.450
teachers and administrators who are

0:50:29.930,0:50:35.590
wondering and curious I’m doing a

0:50:32.450,0:50:37.550
two-day workshop June 24th and 25th

0:50:35.590,0:50:39.230
virtually which is kind of exciting

0:50:37.550,0:50:41.690
because now I get to invite people all

0:50:39.230,0:50:44.360
over the country sad because I missed

0:50:41.690,0:50:47.660
the 8th person to person but you can go

0:50:44.360,0:50:49.670
to my website trauma-sensitive calm all

0:50:47.660,0:50:51.109
the details are there the first day is

0:50:49.670,0:50:52.609
going to be all

0:50:51.109,0:50:54.680
most all of what Tiffany I’ve just been

0:50:52.609,0:50:56.480
talking about I’m gonna lay out this

0:50:54.680,0:50:57.829
biology that we’ve been talking about

0:50:56.480,0:50:59.690
I’m gonna lay out adverse childhood

0:50:57.829,0:51:01.809
experiences I’m going to give you

0:50:59.690,0:51:05.210
definitions for things like racism

0:51:01.809,0:51:06.140
systemic racism white privilege bias all

0:51:05.210,0:51:06.769
these things that are being thrown

0:51:06.140,0:51:08.900
around

0:51:06.769,0:51:11.619
I will neatly and carefully and with

0:51:08.900,0:51:14.749
great respect show you how that and

0:51:11.619,0:51:18.140
trauma really the movement is the same

0:51:14.749,0:51:19.700
and we’ll spend the entire afternoon on

0:51:18.140,0:51:22.730
what will what do trauma-informed

0:51:19.700,0:51:25.039
virtual classrooms look like and in the

0:51:22.730,0:51:27.079
absence of knowing are we gonna have

0:51:25.039,0:51:28.970
some of our kids back in small groups

0:51:27.079,0:51:31.099
not at all

0:51:28.970,0:51:34.009
how we can do that in a trauma-informed

0:51:31.099,0:51:37.430
way so I’ll be laying all that out the

0:51:34.009,0:51:39.920
second day there’s another whole story

0:51:37.430,0:51:42.380
which is special education and children

0:51:39.920,0:51:44.930
of trauma and near and dear to my heart

0:51:42.380,0:51:47.299
special education so day two will be

0:51:44.930,0:51:50.359
that so you can sign up for one day or

0:51:47.299,0:51:52.119
both days in case special education is

0:51:50.359,0:51:55.609
not at all an area of interest for you

0:51:52.119,0:51:57.230
and we are definitely going to make that

0:51:55.609,0:51:59.839
available it’s actually available now

0:51:57.230,0:52:02.390
under code 19 resources on our website

0:51:59.839,0:52:05.989
but we will make sure that it’s in

0:52:02.390,0:52:08.749
within this broadcast it’ll be available

0:52:05.989,0:52:10.789
and it’ll be easy to access on our

0:52:08.749,0:52:13.849
website so people can sign up through

0:52:10.789,0:52:15.920
this if they want to they can access

0:52:13.849,0:52:20.869
your site and get you know get signed up

0:52:15.920,0:52:23.420
for that and I did want to talk if you

0:52:20.869,0:52:25.579
if you have a little more time I I

0:52:23.420,0:52:31.730
definitely wanted to talk a little bit

0:52:25.579,0:52:37.609
about about a little bit more about your

0:52:31.730,0:52:42.650
work in schools like what you about

0:52:37.609,0:52:45.619
creating a cop about your what you do to

0:52:42.650,0:52:47.059
create a trauma sensitive classroom well

0:52:45.619,0:52:49.400
you can call me if you have a kid

0:52:47.059,0:52:53.029
beating up a Snapple machine but for

0:52:49.400,0:52:55.400
sure what I do because that’s the whole

0:52:53.029,0:52:57.650
thing right you don’t want to call on me

0:52:55.400,0:52:59.900
to fix the problems for you because I

0:52:57.650,0:53:01.099
can’t be there all the time and next

0:52:59.900,0:53:03.380
year there could be another while you

0:53:01.099,0:53:04.440
does something very different what I

0:53:03.380,0:53:07.590
believe

0:53:04.440,0:53:09.930
first of all I believe in teachers and I

0:53:07.590,0:53:12.450
believe in their genuine their

0:53:09.930,0:53:15.540
creativity and their deep care for kids

0:53:12.450,0:53:17.130
so I and as an administrator always

0:53:15.540,0:53:19.620
believed that the only way that you

0:53:17.130,0:53:21.810
create climate and academic change in

0:53:19.620,0:53:24.690
your school is to build capacity in your

0:53:21.810,0:53:27.090
own teachers so my program is all about

0:53:24.690,0:53:30.300
that I come in and I talk to

0:53:27.090,0:53:31.890
administrators I can talk to special ed

0:53:30.300,0:53:35.130
Genet I can talk to your whole staff at

0:53:31.890,0:53:37.170
once I have basically a one-day or two

0:53:35.130,0:53:39.840
day and I my favorite is the three day

0:53:37.170,0:53:42.000
train the trainer program the third day

0:53:39.840,0:53:44.430
is your teacher leaders this committee

0:53:42.000,0:53:48.030
you form that’s going to lead the work

0:53:44.430,0:53:49.800
it takes five years to grow a garden in

0:53:48.030,0:53:51.510
your house that is sustainable it takes

0:53:49.800,0:53:53.850
five years to grow a trauma-informed

0:53:51.510,0:53:56.580
school that is sustainable this is not

0:53:53.850,0:53:59.610
one day I call it the reading revelation

0:53:56.580,0:54:01.710
think of it this way no one ever learns

0:53:59.610,0:54:05.550
how to teach reading in one day we all

0:54:01.710,0:54:07.590
teach reading no one no one I have never

0:54:05.550,0:54:08.970
met an educator who says reading is not

0:54:07.590,0:54:12.300
important that’s not what I do

0:54:08.970,0:54:14.790
this movement is the same as that it’s

0:54:12.300,0:54:16.920
as essential to the learning of every

0:54:14.790,0:54:20.610
child in that school as the reading

0:54:16.920,0:54:23.580
program is so putting putting this first

0:54:20.610,0:54:25.950
will actually make more resilient and

0:54:23.580,0:54:30.000
more effective learners so I can come to

0:54:25.950,0:54:32.880
your school I can do in-person if we’re

0:54:30.000,0:54:36.870
allowed I’m now doing and all of my

0:54:32.880,0:54:40.440
programs virtually I have five books so

0:54:36.870,0:54:42.660
you can start there and basically you

0:54:40.440,0:54:44.100
know whatever your school needs is what

0:54:42.660,0:54:47.100
I want to come and try and help you with

0:54:44.100,0:54:49.830
so I have basic curriculum but based on

0:54:47.100,0:54:51.750
research and evidence but I love to find

0:54:49.830,0:54:54.570
out what your demographic is what your

0:54:51.750,0:54:56.970
teacher capacity is and work with you

0:54:54.570,0:54:59.370
just like I would all of my students in

0:54:56.970,0:55:02.640
the classroom getting what they need in

0:54:59.370,0:55:06.540
an individual way what is your advice

0:55:02.640,0:55:09.300
Melissa for parents in supporting

0:55:06.540,0:55:12.270
teachers because I think that that’s

0:55:09.300,0:55:16.770
really important one of the things that

0:55:12.270,0:55:18.190
that I find often is that the parents I

0:55:16.770,0:55:21.310
work with don’t know how

0:55:18.190,0:55:24.760
to properly support parents to support

0:55:21.310,0:55:28.990
teachers in this work and they really

0:55:24.760,0:55:31.030
want to so if you find that your

0:55:28.990,0:55:33.160
teachers willing and again this was what

0:55:31.030,0:55:35.050
separated Theo’s positive years in

0:55:33.160,0:55:37.360
school from his not so positive years in

0:55:35.050,0:55:38.830
school was when I met with the teachers

0:55:37.360,0:55:40.120
in August and said listen I won’t talk

0:55:38.830,0:55:43.630
to you a little bit about Thea’s unique

0:55:40.120,0:55:46.210
needs and they were like sure you know

0:55:43.630,0:55:49.090
mrs. st. I’ll read whatever you have so

0:55:46.210,0:55:52.300
if you have that teacher our dear friend

0:55:49.090,0:55:55.510
Larry his site is still there attachment

0:55:52.300,0:56:00.130
trauma Maryland Larry Smith wrote some

0:55:55.510,0:56:03.430
of the most concise easy to read papers

0:56:00.130,0:56:06.520
really that’s what they are on these

0:56:03.430,0:56:08.530
kids and what they need from teachers so

0:56:06.520,0:56:09.880
you can send your teachers there you can

0:56:08.530,0:56:14.830
print them out and give them to them

0:56:09.880,0:56:16.390
they’re free books the bottom line

0:56:14.830,0:56:19.560
though is the reason that I’m so

0:56:16.390,0:56:22.900
passionate and so exhausted is because

0:56:19.560,0:56:25.330
teachers need to learn from teachers

0:56:22.900,0:56:27.850
it’s it’s a science and an art teaching

0:56:25.330,0:56:30.970
and if you’re a parent and not also a

0:56:27.850,0:56:33.760
teacher you can say there’s this thing

0:56:30.970,0:56:35.710
like I had a parent say to me my child

0:56:33.760,0:56:37.690
has autism you know do I need to teach

0:56:35.710,0:56:40.090
you about autism yes there’s a place for

0:56:37.690,0:56:41.740
that but the end of the day as a parent

0:56:40.090,0:56:43.120
you’re not going to change and you can’t

0:56:41.740,0:56:45.640
trauma inform the school from the

0:56:43.120,0:56:49.120
outside in so what you want to do is

0:56:45.640,0:56:51.700
find someone hopefully it’s the

0:56:49.120,0:56:53.320
principal but if it’s not it might be

0:56:51.700,0:56:55.330
the school counselor at school social

0:56:53.320,0:56:58.900
worker or you just have this awesome

0:56:55.330,0:57:01.660
teacher and ask them invite them to go

0:56:58.900,0:57:04.210
to a workshop or a conference or read

0:57:01.660,0:57:07.240
something and then see how you can help

0:57:04.210,0:57:10.930
that teacher encourage other colleagues

0:57:07.240,0:57:13.900
to do the same that’s great and then my

0:57:10.930,0:57:17.830
last question is what is your advice for

0:57:13.900,0:57:23.560
teachers on how to talk to parents with

0:57:17.830,0:57:27.100
kids with trauma related needs it’s okay

0:57:23.560,0:57:30.130
to say I don’t know and that’s the same

0:57:27.100,0:57:31.810
I worked in a school where we suddenly

0:57:30.130,0:57:33.460
found ourselves to be

0:57:31.810,0:57:35.770
ground zero for a large number of

0:57:33.460,0:57:40.030
refugees from a country where they were

0:57:35.770,0:57:41.890
being ruthlessly murdered and didn’t

0:57:40.030,0:57:43.660
know the language didn’t know anything

0:57:41.890,0:57:45.250
about that experience except what I

0:57:43.660,0:57:47.020
could get my hands on so a

0:57:45.250,0:57:48.220
parent-teacher conference and this woman

0:57:47.020,0:57:51.250
sitting across from me with an

0:57:48.220,0:57:54.730
interpreter and I how can I help you is

0:57:51.250,0:57:56.380
what I said to her you know and she was

0:57:54.730,0:57:58.540
like well she wanted to understand you

0:57:56.380,0:58:00.760
know how to work the American school so

0:57:58.540,0:58:04.390
I could tell her that but then I was

0:58:00.760,0:58:07.090
like you know share what can you tell me

0:58:04.390,0:58:09.760
about your child’s experience parents

0:58:07.090,0:58:15.220
are sometimes hesitant because of the

0:58:09.760,0:58:17.860
shame to share what’s going on at home

0:58:15.220,0:58:20.050
or if you know your child’s adverse

0:58:17.860,0:58:22.150
experience is telling the teacher that

0:58:20.050,0:58:23.470
you know because my son spent three

0:58:22.150,0:58:26.110
years in an orphanage his brain is

0:58:23.470,0:58:27.760
growing differently so you are gonna see

0:58:26.110,0:58:31.480
behaviors that don’t match this

0:58:27.760,0:58:34.720
chronological age educating them same

0:58:31.480,0:58:35.950
thing just I can’t say how many times

0:58:34.720,0:58:38.530
like prepared new teachers for

0:58:35.950,0:58:40.510
parent-teacher conferences here’s what

0:58:38.530,0:58:42.070
your child’s doing in my class there’s

0:58:40.510,0:58:43.720
the great things that are happening

0:58:42.070,0:58:46.240
here’s what I’d like you and I to work

0:58:43.720,0:58:48.970
on together and I always tell teachers

0:58:46.240,0:58:50.140
how can I help you should be a question

0:58:48.970,0:58:52.180
you ask in every parent-teacher

0:58:50.140,0:58:54.400
conference you don’t have to be an

0:58:52.180,0:58:56.410
expert in trauma you don’t be have to be

0:58:54.400,0:58:58.930
an expert in refugees if you’re

0:58:56.410,0:59:01.000
non-color and you’re looking at a parent

0:58:58.930,0:59:02.100
of color that’s why you say how can I

0:59:01.000,0:59:04.540
help you

0:59:02.100,0:59:06.160
because you can only know what you know

0:59:04.540,0:59:11.020
and you don’t presume that that works

0:59:06.160,0:59:13.930
for anybody else yep that’s awesome

0:59:11.020,0:59:15.700
as as usual I could I can’t even believe

0:59:13.930,0:59:17.980
we’ve been talking forever and I feel

0:59:15.700,0:59:19.660
like we could talk forever more like I

0:59:17.980,0:59:23.920
feel like I could go a whole nother two

0:59:19.660,0:59:26.170
hours talking to you Melissa Satan well

0:59:23.920,0:59:28.530
tip honestly you know outside of this

0:59:26.170,0:59:34.330
professional webinar that’s happened yes

0:59:28.530,0:59:37.780
definitely yeah and I hope that we can

0:59:34.330,0:59:40.120
have you back again sometime and I’m I’m

0:59:37.780,0:59:44.350
very much looking forward to your

0:59:40.120,0:59:44.730
conference and I I can’t wait to see

0:59:44.350,0:59:46.710
what

0:59:44.730,0:59:50.250
next for you so I’m sure you’ve got

0:59:46.710,0:59:53.070
amazing things coming and thank you so

0:59:50.250,0:59:55.830
much for taking time out to do this and

0:59:53.070,0:59:58.530
I can’t wait to do the next things

0:59:55.830,1:00:00.090
together and if I have to thank you for

0:59:58.530,1:00:03.060
what you’re doing for parents because

1:00:00.090,1:00:05.340
knowledgeable parents are such a benefit

1:00:03.060,1:00:07.590
to the teachers that work with the

1:00:05.340,1:00:12.410
children and some of the stuff you’re

1:00:07.590,1:00:16.950
putting out is so user-friendly and so

1:00:12.410,1:00:20.700
restoring to parents thank you for doing

1:00:16.950,1:00:22.020
that thank you so much Melissa I will

1:00:20.700,1:00:27.200
talk to you soon

1:00:22.020,1:00:27.200
you got it my friend take take care

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